I'm such a user
So it's been quite some time....same about a month over 2 years, since i've posted here. I'm very sorry about this. Usually I'm very consistant about speaking my mind & voicing opinions, but perhaps with the freedom of being single & actually having time to enjoy myself, i left my poor dear Bloggy to rot...to be forgotten. :( So I am a "user".. I only used you when i was down & backed into a corner. But when i was set free, i never looked back! & for that i am sorry!
Reading back over all the messages I wrote to my lonesome, I was actually quite suprised & intrigued w/ how i predicted things to pass! I was also completely enamoured w/ my writing & how i chose my words. I was actually interested in what happend next than being completely bored out of my mind (which is a plus!) :D & I actually felt the amazing weight of my fustrations & sadness. It was my first relationship and it had turned so sour so quickly. But I dont mind it. I have learned much from the situation & have vowed to never let it happen again. i won't "let" things happen any longer...it only prolongs the grief!
So let's RECAP, shall we?
After graduation & my vacation, kitty & i drifter apart rather suddenly. Not because of negative feelings or anything, but because we were just completely consumerd by our work. the guy she was seeing actually did get married & kitty moved on to more troublesome relationships. come'on kitty, you only have 9 lives!
po po actually started dating a girl he met online. they dated & evetually were inseperable for a year & a half.. the whole time po po ignored me & blamed it on the excuse that his girl was a jealous controling bitch. not to mention childish. but when they broke up, we were hanging out again (hurray!), but it was short lived. a few months after that they were together again, but we actually found out that she never stopped dating the guy she was dating when they were seperated! very heart-breaking.. then depression set in for po po. & then he became a work-a-holic & i just saw him for the first time about a month ago since last winter.. its sad when you're only important when someone needs you for something, like a pick-me-up, instead of a real friendship..
i havent talked to orange since before graduation, but she's actually been on my mind for the past couple weeks. i hope everything is okay with her & cairo. I never heard the conclusion to her sorrows..
i actually visited hiphop this past spring, as well as a couple other friends. i took a 2 week vacation (a little over 2 weeks) & had the time of my life! it was a little piece of home that i felt when i was there.. & it was so great to see hiphop! but it wasnt as it should have been, or at least how i wanted it to be. we saw each other barely twice & he didnt even seem interested. ho hum. thats just what happens i guess.
my Darling actually got himself engaged to his ex, whom he swore would kill if she showed her face around his parts again. but its fine. it was a short-lived online infatuation. Mr. Boo Hoo's sis & brown actually broke up not too long after we did. turns out he wanted a family & she wasnt ready for all that. such a shame.. he was really nice, but painful for me to look at. but coincidentally, years later, i met a guy with the same face a couple weeks ago. but he was not a nice guy...he only had the mask of my long lost friend.
terry is definately long gone out of my life (i actually deleted that program he asked me to download).. & i havent spoken to milky since he decided to shut down his site (which was at least a year & change ago). it was the best! i can never get enough of new music! i tried to keep up w/ him, but he never seemed too interested to respond. so i let him go.
hmm, let's see... i think that was about all the afore mentioned characters.
i read back to the bizzaro dream w/ my tall, dark haired, graceful friend sharing energies in the kitchen. the one where we nearly graze lips, remember? well sometime during this summer, after cleaning my room w/ music blaring (as usual), i like to turn on one track in particular that i will use to completely relax my brain & just get absolutely spacey. now usually it's massive attatck's "black milk", but i think i had recently DLed Lamb's "Hearts & Flowers" & "Darkness"..anyhow, i was laying back on my bed, knees up & my back being supported by pillows.. the light was so perfect & shining through my little window into my room & giving it that special glowy sunray filled amazment that you can identify w/ fantasy forests & faeries.. and as i drifted off into my daze, i was painfully aware of the empty space left in my heart from loves past & lovers lost. & all i wanted was a bit of comfort in that moment. but without even making a quiver of a plea, a faceless man in just a basic pair of jeans, shirtless, appeared beside my bed. he was standing there, facing me, his skin golden from being bathed in the sunlight. then he almost weightlessly sat himself next to me, barely clearing the edge of the bed, & leaned forward to embrace me. i could have trickled a tear in this moment. a) because i was so enamoured w/ this whole hearted empathy & b) it was the same feeling as before..as the dream in the kitchen, only this time i was in between worlds. i wasnt sure whether i was awake or dreaming.. i could not tell you what he smelled like, but his skin was radient & warm & soft. in a way, his dimeaner actually reminded me of one of my ex's, (no not the first one from which this blog started).. yes, he actually had a slight uneasiness like my ex..almost as if he didnt know if this was the right way or if he had complete approval by me to do so. but it was sweet. i only wish he had a face. it wasnt spooky or anything that he didnt have a face, not in a horror-movie type of way. but it was just blank...to me it felt as if his eyes were just closed. and for a moment i felt as if there may have been a bit of "grinding".. but it was soon interupted by a sharp pain my ribs. it felt as though he had placed a boney elbow in between two of my ribs & was persistently leaning on it. kind of as if he was fascinated of how easily the pain came to me. but i told him to "Stop it. Please stop", but i could hardly get the breaths out. it was becoming harder & harder for me to breathe. & because i didnt want to cry out, i continued to quietly plea & eventually i was fully awake & he had disappeared. but i was irritated on how he was so adiment on giving me pleasure, then took it to a painful level..just for pain's sake. But I constantly wonder that if i was dreaming, there was nothing around me to cause that much pain to my ribs. i mean after all, i was lying on my back & propped up by pillows. my ribs definatly weren't leaning on anything at all!
But whichever the case. I long for that wonderful feeling. that embrace. i want to feel i can love w/out fearing to be hurt. hmm.. hopefully i have found this, but he lives so far away! well, not very far, but he's def not in my town :( another state in fact.. but you know me, i'm not the cheesy romantic type.. but somehow he brings it out of me! as dumb as i feel doing or saying some things, he gives it right back to me..twice as sweet! honestly, i walk around this place w/ a nego-cloud over my head, constantly on defense, w/ a barbed-wire tounge. but when i'm w/ Red, i dont feel i have to be that person at all! & thats such an amazing feeling! such a conforting feeling.. i just wish he could be around all the time. but knowing my track record, maybe this is the best for us? at least this way i can get to know Red w/o getting sick of him so soon.
But this poses the question of should i or should i not date anyone else besides him? i mean, i REALLY want to be with him...you know? like, so bad it hurts! but i cant deal w/ only seeing him 2 or 3 times a year.. i wonder how he deals w/ us not being together. does he date? has he had girls he's been seeing & never gave up b/c he knows he wont be moving closer to me? Yes, him moving here is a convo we havent really brought up. In Feb it will be a year since we've met, but as of now, 7 months since we've been intimate. I'm setting up a weekend for us for Valentine's, so i expect this conversation to come up then. its kinda important, you know? b/c i think i'm starting to love Red. & i'm gonna need to know if its in vain.
Until again, my friend..
[note: po po, kitty, and orange, cairo, hiphop, Darling, terry, Mr. Boo Hoo, brown, milky, Red have been changed to protect their current existence]
Reading back over all the messages I wrote to my lonesome, I was actually quite suprised & intrigued w/ how i predicted things to pass! I was also completely enamoured w/ my writing & how i chose my words. I was actually interested in what happend next than being completely bored out of my mind (which is a plus!) :D & I actually felt the amazing weight of my fustrations & sadness. It was my first relationship and it had turned so sour so quickly. But I dont mind it. I have learned much from the situation & have vowed to never let it happen again. i won't "let" things happen any longer...it only prolongs the grief!
So let's RECAP, shall we?
After graduation & my vacation, kitty & i drifter apart rather suddenly. Not because of negative feelings or anything, but because we were just completely consumerd by our work. the guy she was seeing actually did get married & kitty moved on to more troublesome relationships. come'on kitty, you only have 9 lives!
po po actually started dating a girl he met online. they dated & evetually were inseperable for a year & a half.. the whole time po po ignored me & blamed it on the excuse that his girl was a jealous controling bitch. not to mention childish. but when they broke up, we were hanging out again (hurray!), but it was short lived. a few months after that they were together again, but we actually found out that she never stopped dating the guy she was dating when they were seperated! very heart-breaking.. then depression set in for po po. & then he became a work-a-holic & i just saw him for the first time about a month ago since last winter.. its sad when you're only important when someone needs you for something, like a pick-me-up, instead of a real friendship..
i havent talked to orange since before graduation, but she's actually been on my mind for the past couple weeks. i hope everything is okay with her & cairo. I never heard the conclusion to her sorrows..
i actually visited hiphop this past spring, as well as a couple other friends. i took a 2 week vacation (a little over 2 weeks) & had the time of my life! it was a little piece of home that i felt when i was there.. & it was so great to see hiphop! but it wasnt as it should have been, or at least how i wanted it to be. we saw each other barely twice & he didnt even seem interested. ho hum. thats just what happens i guess.
my Darling actually got himself engaged to his ex, whom he swore would kill if she showed her face around his parts again. but its fine. it was a short-lived online infatuation. Mr. Boo Hoo's sis & brown actually broke up not too long after we did. turns out he wanted a family & she wasnt ready for all that. such a shame.. he was really nice, but painful for me to look at. but coincidentally, years later, i met a guy with the same face a couple weeks ago. but he was not a nice guy...he only had the mask of my long lost friend.
terry is definately long gone out of my life (i actually deleted that program he asked me to download).. & i havent spoken to milky since he decided to shut down his site (which was at least a year & change ago). it was the best! i can never get enough of new music! i tried to keep up w/ him, but he never seemed too interested to respond. so i let him go.
hmm, let's see... i think that was about all the afore mentioned characters.
i read back to the bizzaro dream w/ my tall, dark haired, graceful friend sharing energies in the kitchen. the one where we nearly graze lips, remember? well sometime during this summer, after cleaning my room w/ music blaring (as usual), i like to turn on one track in particular that i will use to completely relax my brain & just get absolutely spacey. now usually it's massive attatck's "black milk", but i think i had recently DLed Lamb's "Hearts & Flowers" & "Darkness"..anyhow, i was laying back on my bed, knees up & my back being supported by pillows.. the light was so perfect & shining through my little window into my room & giving it that special glowy sunray filled amazment that you can identify w/ fantasy forests & faeries.. and as i drifted off into my daze, i was painfully aware of the empty space left in my heart from loves past & lovers lost. & all i wanted was a bit of comfort in that moment. but without even making a quiver of a plea, a faceless man in just a basic pair of jeans, shirtless, appeared beside my bed. he was standing there, facing me, his skin golden from being bathed in the sunlight. then he almost weightlessly sat himself next to me, barely clearing the edge of the bed, & leaned forward to embrace me. i could have trickled a tear in this moment. a) because i was so enamoured w/ this whole hearted empathy & b) it was the same feeling as before..as the dream in the kitchen, only this time i was in between worlds. i wasnt sure whether i was awake or dreaming.. i could not tell you what he smelled like, but his skin was radient & warm & soft. in a way, his dimeaner actually reminded me of one of my ex's, (no not the first one from which this blog started).. yes, he actually had a slight uneasiness like my ex..almost as if he didnt know if this was the right way or if he had complete approval by me to do so. but it was sweet. i only wish he had a face. it wasnt spooky or anything that he didnt have a face, not in a horror-movie type of way. but it was just blank...to me it felt as if his eyes were just closed. and for a moment i felt as if there may have been a bit of "grinding".. but it was soon interupted by a sharp pain my ribs. it felt as though he had placed a boney elbow in between two of my ribs & was persistently leaning on it. kind of as if he was fascinated of how easily the pain came to me. but i told him to "Stop it. Please stop", but i could hardly get the breaths out. it was becoming harder & harder for me to breathe. & because i didnt want to cry out, i continued to quietly plea & eventually i was fully awake & he had disappeared. but i was irritated on how he was so adiment on giving me pleasure, then took it to a painful level..just for pain's sake. But I constantly wonder that if i was dreaming, there was nothing around me to cause that much pain to my ribs. i mean after all, i was lying on my back & propped up by pillows. my ribs definatly weren't leaning on anything at all!
But whichever the case. I long for that wonderful feeling. that embrace. i want to feel i can love w/out fearing to be hurt. hmm.. hopefully i have found this, but he lives so far away! well, not very far, but he's def not in my town :( another state in fact.. but you know me, i'm not the cheesy romantic type.. but somehow he brings it out of me! as dumb as i feel doing or saying some things, he gives it right back to me..twice as sweet! honestly, i walk around this place w/ a nego-cloud over my head, constantly on defense, w/ a barbed-wire tounge. but when i'm w/ Red, i dont feel i have to be that person at all! & thats such an amazing feeling! such a conforting feeling.. i just wish he could be around all the time. but knowing my track record, maybe this is the best for us? at least this way i can get to know Red w/o getting sick of him so soon.
But this poses the question of should i or should i not date anyone else besides him? i mean, i REALLY want to be with him...you know? like, so bad it hurts! but i cant deal w/ only seeing him 2 or 3 times a year.. i wonder how he deals w/ us not being together. does he date? has he had girls he's been seeing & never gave up b/c he knows he wont be moving closer to me? Yes, him moving here is a convo we havent really brought up. In Feb it will be a year since we've met, but as of now, 7 months since we've been intimate. I'm setting up a weekend for us for Valentine's, so i expect this conversation to come up then. its kinda important, you know? b/c i think i'm starting to love Red. & i'm gonna need to know if its in vain.
Until again, my friend..
[note: po po, kitty, and orange, cairo, hiphop, Darling, terry, Mr. Boo Hoo, brown, milky, Red have been changed to protect their current existence]
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