...and then all must come to an end

perhaps i'm an idiot, but rejection hurts.

it hurts like damn thorns in your stomach. like mocking demons ripping at your skin. like a virus exploding in your heart and incinerating you from the inside out. like so many insects swimming in your gut, biting and stinging.

it fucking sucks.

i just found out that hiphop has decided to mate with his own, and actually make a relationship of it. not sure if its serious, but i'm willing to bet that they've been together since my sense of him has hightened. and perhaps this is just what i need. it's all my fault anyway. how long did i think i could string him along...make him wait until i was done with whomever i was with? hmm? i'm getting just what i disearve because now i know how he felt when he found out i had a BF. too bad he doesnt know that i dont really love him. and too bad i havent admitted this to myself fully until now. i always try and keep on to that one thing that was good. but in actuality, seeing the whole picture, i know it wont work out. but for how long will i keep him strung? the day is getting closer, i can feel it. he can feel it. and one day it will present itself when he's not afraid to see it and say it to my face.

dont know if it will be brutal. dont know if it will be calm and respectful. dont know if i'll cry or do a cartwheel...dont know if he'll ask me to marry him in rebuttal. dont now if i'm not strong enough to not crush him in that moment.

too many questions to have so many answers...

[note: hiphop has been changed to protect their current existence]