What is this?

I can't take this... It drives me to insanity, this feeling. Not an emotion, but this savage feeling to take down any man I want to conquer. As if It were my birthright, as if it were my ultimate mission in life; my ultimate unfinished goal. To conquer all the men that had escaped me in all my previous lives.. To make myself known as the top, as the head of all creation. As Akasha, as Anne Rice had felt when she wrote Queen of the Damned. To conquer. to mount. to control.

Madness struggling with insanity

Which will Win? Either way, I'm doomed to die suffocating in my grief..

I am plagued by what may be called a 'torn heart', but I know what calls me. The issue isn't deciding. It is heeding to the beckoning call of his dominance. A power I must swallow and ignore. Must deny the deliciousness of it's sweet flavours. It's texture reining superior over anything I've ever known, anything I've ever had yet to experienced. But it gives me strength.. And knows exactly where I lack so that he may fill those crumbled spaces created by previous tormentors.

My senses filled with his puissance.. How much longer can I ignore this, this fire!

But I must put it out of my mind somehow, for I am already bound to another.. In saddened bandages. Praying to find an escape, a glimmer from a crack in this dungeon. So that I can have my freedoms. My singularity. My sanity.

-- For KC

Use me up

Here I am again, my head all a fuzz and fucking on the mind. I really ought to get some help on this matter.. The matter being my bordom of relationships. I think the only relationships I've truly wanted to last were out of my range or just plain weren't interested.. *sigh*

I'm still in a relationship with 'elfont', but I get increasing bored as each day passes. He's sweet, but a bit of a complete loser. I mean, he has goals but he doesn't want to work at them to succeed. He thinks its just going to fall in his lap. And u know how I can't stand complainers.. I complain enough as it is! I Need someone who will help bring me out of it, not beat me to the punch and score twice as high. And it's been wearing me down..nearly 4yrs in. And I cant take it anymore. So I met someone.. But not like that. He's a friend. A confident If u will.. A supportive one.

I actually looked him up, searching for someone else, and stumbled upon him by pure accident. At the time he seemed like a regular guy, but something happened after our first meeting. Something about the way he chose his words, something about the quiet intensity in his eyes. Something held close to me and I haven't been able to shake it. But I'm trying my best to be good. I'm making an effort this time to not be a slut.. But the more I try to put him out of my mind, the stronger his hold gets. I don't even think he's aware, but he's been haunting my dreams. And even pops into my train of thought, unannounced, while I'm trying to concentrate at work. I'm even perspiring now discussing it. What is this? how can it be so strong? and for what reason?

There was a moment after we met for the second time (the day after), where I was trying to make a deadline at work. And I'm very focused on the workload, but out of nowhere a thought of him pops up. And is charged with the most ferocious sexual current I've ever felt without warrant. I mean, nips hard, cheeks flushed, lips quivering, and a mist about my face and neck. 'What on earth?!?' I ask myself.. And nothing can keep the scenarios out of my head! Images flash of me sitting in his lap (at my desk), him under my desk and my legs wrapped around his face, and the list goes on for another few moments before I have to excuse myself for a walk outside the building for lunch. I desperately needed air!

But the night before was it's real start. I was lying in bed as the BF played vid games in another room, and I began to try to make sense of why sex with him hasn't been very enjoyable. I was terribly frustrated with grief and racked my brain for a solution. I mean, we love each other very much, but sex has been so blah, and a bit painful (for me). And also thinking why I've never cum vaginally. So I'm sulking instead of sleeping and trying to think up a solution. And as I'm beginning to fall asleep, out of nowhere he, 'KC', pops up and says directly to me, "Just leave it to me, I WILL make you cum." And I must of had a face on like 'good luck, thanks for trying', because the next thing he did was draw me close to him (in this dream I'm lying in my bed as if I had never fallen asleep and he appears at the foot of my bed), my legs spread, and he says, "it's the condoms that are hurting you. And I know what I'm doing. I will prove it to you." And with the that he thrust an 'unsheathed' cock in me. Thrusting slow and carefully at first, then a more pronounced tug at my hips. And he was right.. His naked, hard (yet soft enough to caress my walls like silk) cock was giving me just the right amount of give to ease my battered pussy! And came i did! Electric and pulsating...it was delicious!

But alas, it was only a dream.. And the real 'KC' is much too sweet for an act like that. But I can't deny the hardcore crush I've got going for him..

It's sad really. That my brain has resulted into such erotic nonsense when I should be respecting his friendship. and his heart. He's so kind and has such a softness, a warmness to him. I wouldn't want anything to jeopardize that. It's just so difficult, you know? He has something that not many ppl poses. And it's so rare that I want to share that energy with him in the most intimate way..

But I can't have it.

Does that make me an Energy Vampire???

kalimotxo

In a word, if i could recount
How you taste on my lips
How deep your scent radiates
warm and lush

You are in every way my Litrona, Kalimotxo
Dramatic of the vine and sweet bubble drips
Over my lips
Thick and bitter and sweet

A slowed dance of flavor
Skin perfumed of the struggles
Of paucity
Of vitality

Straining to make out your deplore
Shaded by strife
But lips make their appeal
Uncompromised, pregnant with revelations

What glamour is this?
What somber sprite has embraced
This fragile frame that can only regard
Your empathy in blushed stupor

Guide me to conceive
Oh master, preceding glimmer
Leering out what fiendish possesion
Grips the hollow fabrication of ones reason; ones heart

Forgive me, dear priest
I can not help but be
Completely enamoured
Smitten by rancorous disiplines..

Read to music on the brain from..

Artist: Autolux
Album: Future Perfect
Song: Angry Candy

Not sure what has started this, or when exactly this thing has started... but I plan to figure it out..

It started in the summer I think, or maybe going on into the Fall is really when I felt it.. At that time is when I really began to feel this thing and understand that it was something beyond this Earth. I feel as though there's another force in nature that has me believing in its actual power. Not necessarily a power of the Earth, but a power beyond it that fuels the earth. For a long time I believe this to be the power of God but didnt really understand it too much.. I mean, I understood that there was a force beyond anything I could ever understand.. but somehow this power has made a revelation to me. But it feels different than the power I was familiar with in the past. The power seemed untouchable, but this power is all about me and begs for me to be involved. But I dont want to until I can understand it fully.

About a month ago I was watching a programme on either the History channel or Discovery (I cant remember), but it was talking about Nostrodomus' predictions of the "End of the World" and how it lined up w/ the Mayan calender and their calculations for the Apocolypse. So it was these 2 sources who lined up all their theories to roughly the same day. Now, assuming Nostrodomus had never studied the Mayan calender...or whether this was his interpretation of the Maya calender, it didnt not say. But it did mention that the Mayans came to their prediction through the astronomy & mathmatics. Nostrodomus, on the other hand, came to his predictions from prophet visions he'd been having. But just like any other person on this Earth, I'm sure they've taken their imagination to the brink of fantastical story and put it down on paper. I think this is what he has done, and by chance, another group of ppl have also predicted the same thing, but going a step further and trying to figure out a date for the events. Now, I'm not discounting Nos' writings for false, but I'm just saying he's not the only guy in the world to fantasize about the end of the world. Ppl do it everyday now on blogs (wink, wink), websites, comment posts, television shows, movies, books...I mean, everyone on our planet right now is probably very aware that our Earth is dying or going to go through a major change in the near future.

As a human lifeform, I feel certain things are universally shared between the subjects. Before there was the massive technological wave of modern times, I'm sure it was a lot easier to "listen" to what we needed as ppl. But now it seems we are told what we need, and we are slowly being taught not to "listen". We're being told we dont need to "listen" becasue we already have everything given to us. What I mean by "listen" is before we had the internet, before television, before satalites and radiation waves and the like, there were ppl living with nature, instead of forcing nature to the side in order for them to live. There used to be harmony. But with technology came power, and with power came money, then money & power brought destruction. It brought us the H-bomb, the A-bomb, wars, and a great sadness. All because of power & money.

I cant wrap my head around how ppl think these days. I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone believes after we die, we move on to another life.. either an everlastling life in heaven or an additional life on this planet further in the future. Either way, what we do on this Earth should be focused on making this a better place for everyone. Not just for you or for your Country...for everyone! And it just bothers me how ppl will allow selfishness to take over everything God has given them. That's like telling him, "Yeah, you gave me this, but it's not enough. I want what he has over there." Greed, selfishness, envy, blasphomy... How dare Bush say his actions were lead by God! Even an Athiest wouldnt be so selfish..

Battle of the Amazons

Okay, so their not really Amazons, but they're tall models where one is perfectly slim, & the other is a bit pudgy. Princess is the pudgy one, & she's that type of girl that needs to be the center of attention at all times. Rogue is the slimmer girl who just moved into my bfs loft apt (they're about 10 deep already!) Anyhoo, they've both kinda got a liking for the Song Bird of the house. It started when Song Bird asked Princess if it would be okay if they shared a room to split the cost of rent. Princess agreed, probably thinking Song Bird had a secret crush on her (so vain, i swear!) Then Rogue & her Gimp (a couple of new rommies) decided to take up the same living arrangment.

It was obvious Rogue & Gimp were not living together as a couple, but Princess decided to plant the seed & soon it became the common thought. Once Rogue heard of this, she made the point clear. Rogue also participated in demeaning Gimp, which made it all the more clear how "not in love" with him she was. Princess was not happy about it; Neither was Gimp, bc he was secretly in love w/ Rogue! Actually Gimp is actually (not so secretly) in love w/ every kind of female he comes into proximity with (yeah, he's that type!). So then Rogue made a point to ask me about Song Bird & Princess's living situation & hoped no one thought the same for her & Gimp. Once all the dust had settled & everyone was sure of which situation was what, Song Bird announced he had just started dating a young girl that did not include any housemates. *Pfew!* So the line was set & the Amazon's hearts were settled.

Or so I thought... Rogue 1up'd Princess by recieveing a cheek plant from Song Bird as a greeting upon his arrival to the apt last night. She was the only one to request the peck. I felt the tention from Princess & Gimp before it had even happend, then satisfaction once the act was made. If you havent already noticed, I'm team Rogue! :D

Let's tally the scores, shall we?

1. Princess locks down Song Bird & plants "Rogue-hearts-Gimp" seed. Princess = 1up
2. Rogue squashed false seed & demeaned Gimp to drive the truth home. Rogue = 1up, Princess = -1
3. Song Bird announces date w/ non-roomie. Song Bird = 1up
4. Gimp wear's his heart on his sleeve & does not disprove demeaning comments. Gimp = -1
5. Rogue gets a lone cheek plant from Song Bird. Rogue = 1up

Total Tally:
Princess = 0
Rogue = 2
Song Bird = 1
Gimp = -1


Until next time...


[note: Princess, Rogue,Song Bird, and Gimp have been changed to protect their current existence]

Untimely Rapport

My Dearest,

Just to bring us up to current. Hiphop decided to call me out of the blue 1 day about a month ago & ask when he can visit. I told him, "whenever you'd like, my doors are always open." But they arent as open as he'd like.. Nor as open as I'd hoped once he decided to come around. But I've come to realize that Hiphop comes around when his relationships goes South. What a pitty (So desu ne)!

red & I have put off dating since his project had ended more than a year ago. It was his project that kept us together bc he would have meetings in my town. Now that that's over, we are over. But we are still friends. Since then, I have met another in my own town (finally!) that seems to compliment my personality & vice versa. He is elfont & he is beautiful. The only problem is shortly before elfont, there was briefly lala.. Eventhough lala was never a relationship option, I cling to his ever-changing heart & melansholic prose. I can not imagine how i have gotten this point w/ him. I was a mere spectator of his arts for a year before we met, & even when we'd talk brfiefly before then (oh, & it was brief!), i barely got 2 words of recognition. But once we met, it was a whirlwind of passion & exstacy! ...& here is where the delima lies. I remember meeting elfont & finding an enormously striking parallel to lala! Not that lala is my dream guy or anything, but sometimes I feel like I began a relationship w/ elfont bc of my preference for lala. But now that i've mused more & more on it, i feel that elfont has made himself independent within the casings of my heart. He truely is, I think, the vision of my counterpart. Now, if you ask me if he feels the same? We will see..... & then I will have a more timley rapport.


Until then.........


[note: red, Hiphop, lala, and elfont have been changed to protect their current existence]