and so it surfaces to my face...
the sex with my bf is not good because we havent had sex in nearly 2 years...
i found myself faking an orgasm one night, and decided to become abstinent, for his sake. of course he doesnt know that. but while my concern is more on "why i had to fake it", his concern would more "who gives a fuck, just give it to me". the truth is, i think he stopped loving me a long time ago, and i felt as though he only wanted the sex. so i stopped it. and he said he could handle it. but 2 years down the line and I KNOW he doesnt love me anymore. i know that he gets very jealous often only because he sees me as his posession. at first, i thought it was flattering that he wanted to show me off in front of his friends, to make them envy him. but now, it only seems that he wanted to propell his self image instead of actually be with me.
when we are alone, he hardly ever wants to sit quietly with me without groping something. dont i deserve just one moment with my loved one...and actually loving them? the only time i can get next to him without feeling like his personal toy is when he's sleeping...but then again, some nights i have to smack him over the head for humping my leg in his sleep. >_<
but i can feel it happening. we're like an old married couple, spending more and more time away from each other. and the time we do spend together is mostly bitter with a few spots of happy. hmm...maybe "happy" isnt the right word...with a few spots of "mutual agreements". it's like this, one day we'll have a disagreement, then it will snowball for about 3 weeks, then he'll blow up in my face..and i'll ask him "where the hell did that come from?" and he;ll blame it on some other crap. and i'll tell him about how its important for us to communicate. because if he has a preoblem, he should tell me instead of sit on it...then burst later. then he complains that when we talk about the problem that i analyze it into damnation, but thats the point of discussing the problem. you have to get it from the root, otherwise it will keep coming back. but he doesnt see that, no matter how much i try to explain it to him.
but a firend of mine pegged his personality good. said he is a spoiled baby-brat. whish is true. and my bf accuses me of being the same because i'm staying with him. so, yes. i think its time for me to move out, and with the proper words, leave him. but i dont think it will be leaving him completely because, as he was previously pegged square on the head, he's spoiled and wouldn't want to leave me alone. i already know how its going to happen. i'll move out, he'll try and keep tabs, then i'll eventually have to tell him that having someone follow me around with a camera is "so not cool".
but i'm not the type to up and start dating someone because i "need" a man, or want to make him jealous. tell you the truth, i wouldnt mind being single for another 5 years. it just feels like freedom to me right now. like i cant spread my wings, you know? mayeb just have a few "friends" for a while...
i dunno. i just know that what i've got now is darn near rotten.
i found myself faking an orgasm one night, and decided to become abstinent, for his sake. of course he doesnt know that. but while my concern is more on "why i had to fake it", his concern would more "who gives a fuck, just give it to me". the truth is, i think he stopped loving me a long time ago, and i felt as though he only wanted the sex. so i stopped it. and he said he could handle it. but 2 years down the line and I KNOW he doesnt love me anymore. i know that he gets very jealous often only because he sees me as his posession. at first, i thought it was flattering that he wanted to show me off in front of his friends, to make them envy him. but now, it only seems that he wanted to propell his self image instead of actually be with me.
when we are alone, he hardly ever wants to sit quietly with me without groping something. dont i deserve just one moment with my loved one...and actually loving them? the only time i can get next to him without feeling like his personal toy is when he's sleeping...but then again, some nights i have to smack him over the head for humping my leg in his sleep. >_<
but i can feel it happening. we're like an old married couple, spending more and more time away from each other. and the time we do spend together is mostly bitter with a few spots of happy. hmm...maybe "happy" isnt the right word...with a few spots of "mutual agreements". it's like this, one day we'll have a disagreement, then it will snowball for about 3 weeks, then he'll blow up in my face..and i'll ask him "where the hell did that come from?" and he;ll blame it on some other crap. and i'll tell him about how its important for us to communicate. because if he has a preoblem, he should tell me instead of sit on it...then burst later. then he complains that when we talk about the problem that i analyze it into damnation, but thats the point of discussing the problem. you have to get it from the root, otherwise it will keep coming back. but he doesnt see that, no matter how much i try to explain it to him.
but a firend of mine pegged his personality good. said he is a spoiled baby-brat. whish is true. and my bf accuses me of being the same because i'm staying with him. so, yes. i think its time for me to move out, and with the proper words, leave him. but i dont think it will be leaving him completely because, as he was previously pegged square on the head, he's spoiled and wouldn't want to leave me alone. i already know how its going to happen. i'll move out, he'll try and keep tabs, then i'll eventually have to tell him that having someone follow me around with a camera is "so not cool".
but i'm not the type to up and start dating someone because i "need" a man, or want to make him jealous. tell you the truth, i wouldnt mind being single for another 5 years. it just feels like freedom to me right now. like i cant spread my wings, you know? mayeb just have a few "friends" for a while...
i dunno. i just know that what i've got now is darn near rotten.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home