...and then all must come to an end

perhaps i'm an idiot, but rejection hurts.

it hurts like damn thorns in your stomach. like mocking demons ripping at your skin. like a virus exploding in your heart and incinerating you from the inside out. like so many insects swimming in your gut, biting and stinging.

it fucking sucks.

i just found out that hiphop has decided to mate with his own, and actually make a relationship of it. not sure if its serious, but i'm willing to bet that they've been together since my sense of him has hightened. and perhaps this is just what i need. it's all my fault anyway. how long did i think i could string him along...make him wait until i was done with whomever i was with? hmm? i'm getting just what i disearve because now i know how he felt when he found out i had a BF. too bad he doesnt know that i dont really love him. and too bad i havent admitted this to myself fully until now. i always try and keep on to that one thing that was good. but in actuality, seeing the whole picture, i know it wont work out. but for how long will i keep him strung? the day is getting closer, i can feel it. he can feel it. and one day it will present itself when he's not afraid to see it and say it to my face.

dont know if it will be brutal. dont know if it will be calm and respectful. dont know if i'll cry or do a cartwheel...dont know if he'll ask me to marry him in rebuttal. dont now if i'm not strong enough to not crush him in that moment.

too many questions to have so many answers...

[note: hiphop has been changed to protect their current existence]

one bizarre after another

i wonder sometimes if the thoughts in my head are caused by others. empathy, i mean. or something like it. forenstance, if a person meditates on something enough, like say, you concentrate on basketball to become a better player. i mean actually practicing in your brain. making up scenarios, overcoming obsticles, that sort of thing. if thought about long and intently enough, you just may increase your game by at least 25%. so what i'm getting at is, if a person constantly dreams and thinks of winning a person over...or parhaps even just screwing their brains out constantly. could that effect the other person? i mean, could it possibly work as telepathy? a strong enough power to effect that other person? to make that person be the recieving end of the message? or maybe it wouldnt effect the other person if physical contact were never made.

i dont really know where i'm going with this, but the thought has always occoured to me that i could possibly have a person or thought on my mind only because that other person is thinking intently on me. i suppose i'll mention that i dreamed of hiphop again last night. an actual interactive dream, not one of those crappy observation dreams. and i wasnt even thinking about him yesterday. but out of the blue, i'm having a dream of him and life is peachy keen. and it was just bizarre.

my life just feels like one bizarre moment after another. full of confusion and questions, and answers i had years ago that changed...

and perhaps the most bizarre of them all has been an e-mail from a pal i've never met. one of those "friend survey" types of e-mails. and not the regular ones you see floating around, but one with questions like, "WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE?" and "IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS
WITH YOU?" prbably fucking not. i'd probably screw myself, then kill myslef (the other self).

but anyhoo, more bizarres another time.

[note: hiphop has been changed to protect their current existence]