in the way

it seems that everything is getting in the way of me writing this story. I just have so much planning for other projects that I am not allowed to focus anymore. Jesus, I hate this! I get started and it feels so strong, then other things come out of nowhere and block where I'm going. Like my creative atoms have been split into seperate paths. And believe it or not, I've become physically tired from churning out these ideas. It's about 3:15p and I am well over due for my nap!

::sigh::

Now I know what the magic books or telepathy books mean when they say using your "energy" can drain you of your strength. See there, and people here think I'm a lazy bastard because all I do is hole myself up in my room and sleep alot. But I'm also working! They don't understand the concept of 'creative work'. Just because it doesn't include running, jumping, mathmatics, socializing or financial stress, they assume I'm just fucking around. Well, guess what assholes...this is my work. I have projects that need completeing. And one day, my work will pay off, and you'll be puzzled as to how far I am ahead of you at half your age of accomplishing anything. And then I will say..."How's that for a lazy bastard, you stupid fuck?"

I went out with kitty today, window shopping, and forgot how wonderful it would be to have a place of my own. Well, I never really forgot, but I put it out of my mind because I know I can not afford it. So we went to this little flea market place in Times Square, and I remembered the dreams I've had of decorating my own space. I wish I would have immediately wanted to decorate the space of me and my boyfriend, but I did not think of him. Isn't that sad? I can not buy anything for us now, in this house, because there is no room, and my BF would chew me out on how I'm wasting precious money. Well no wonder he's a grouch all the time! He never spends anything without tracking it in his brain to where it could be used in a bill. I mean, the only time he does use money freely is when he's buying junk food out of failed self control. Now that's sad. And I know it's important to know where all your money is going and all, but he stresses out with it. He thinks he's losing his hair, and I didn't think so because it's hereditarily impossible. But when I think of situations that he stresses himself out with like this, I think it may be true.

When I first met him he seemed so stress free. Now that I'm actually livin gwith him, I see how he really is and it makes me stressed. I'm not a stressed person and I dont appreciate someone else rubbing that off on me. No, I don't like it one bit. He makes me feel like a bad person all the time. And he makes me feel stupid. He doesn't call me stupid to my face, but he says little things like, "you're so naive. and I swear I'm like a father to you." Like what the hell is tha tsupposed to mean?!? The other night he tells me, "I think I'm your uncle, or cousin, but not your boyfriend." Well if that's the case, I'm gonna go ahead and leave him alone so I can do some growing up... I swear if we move out together, I'm going to have zero toolerence for his bullshit.


[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]

Momentary Blockage:

I've been writing that story for the past few weeks and it's been going well. Though I think that I've hit a momentary block after figuring out why the woman i the story is hte way she is. Also I've figured how she decided to break the "cold" silence between them. But of course it will have to stay cold on the surface...or something like that. I think I'll write how her and her boyfriend Richard's relationship is and how it came to be that. Perhaps even an inside look at Richard...

And that's all for right now. Perhaps I'll even post an expcert one of these days...

[note: po po, kitty, and orange have been changed to protect their current existence]

gather around...it's story time!

For the past couple of weeks I've gotten in the mode of writing. I've also changed the method in which I've been writing in hopes of actually completing a full story. Usually I'll get an idea for a story from a single event that I have imagined up. Usually a small but very dramatic situation. And I'll write down the story, from the beginning with that idea in mind. But now I've started to write ideas (in Word) as expcerts, and just write other excerpts that came along on later days when I was inspired. Sometimes the expcert even flourishes into something extra or different that could work better for the story. I also began writing the characters' synopsis. So when I get the expcerts down, I can judge their reactions much better and figure out what they would do or think next. It's goign pretty well I might add. I think I have maybe 5 or 8 page written of expcerts (not sure which number it is). And I've got musical and art references to them. Perhaps I'll even have astrologial traits and a color/element to add to their personalities, you know to explain them more precicely.

I'm not sure what the story is about, btu I do know that I want a weird relationship going on between a woman and man that live in the same apartment building. They despise each other, but only becasue they have such passion for each other. Their emotions are confused and when they think they hate each other the most, it actually fuels that passion. Anyhow, the first expcert that came to mind was the woman sneaking into the guys apartment while he ws sleeping (via spare key under the door mat) and screwing his brains out. But NOT staying to talk about "feelings". She actually leaves him the very moment they finish their 'love making' without a word. And he can not understand what the heck she had done that for...because up until that point they hated each other. The next day, and all the days following, she's cold to him, belittles him, treats him like crap basically...but enters his room on random nights to express her feelings for him. They talk little about their lives with each other, and barely talk about everyday things like the weather and such. The only communicating they do is through sex, basically. I got this idea from Ayn Rand (suprise, suprise). It was inspired from Howard Roark and Dominique Francon's relationship. But only in my story they wouldn't let down that guard and get mushy with each other as Ayn Rand let Dominique get. And instead of Howard as the man being the cold one (typical of a man, but so unforgiving and "player" like), it's the woman who is absent of feeling and sets this as the mood for her and the guy in her apartment building. BUT (and there's always a big but), The chick has a boyfriend! But she's not being cruel to a nice man who is loving and greatful for her or anything. Her boyfriend is a cock-sucking son-of-a-bitch who cheats on her regularly. She knows about it and stays with him. Why? Because she's got this weird complex that allows her to want to punish herself (for some fucked up reason that is her mother's fault...well at least that's where I'm going with it now), and also because he's her financial crutch. He knows she doesn't love him and never had (they met on these terms) but he just needed someone to spite his father, so that the people in his social class could talk behind his back about his son and his "cherity girl". Anyhow, the story is a somewhat predictable love story, but I want it to be about something more, but I'm not sure just where it's heading yet. But I dont want something stupid and cheesy, you know?

We'll see where it goes...

sorry for the wait...

Hey guys, I'm sorry it's been nearly a month since my last post. It' just that nothing much has been happening. No dramas really, nothing acceptionally exciting. Perhaps this is just a stand still until somethign more exciting happens. I'm used to my life being a stand still, and I miss it.

Had some weird dreams lately.

The night before last I kept dreaming that there were cockroaches all over the place, on the floor, chasing me and being agressive. Not the usual brown ones in your house, but the riddiculously huge black ones that hiss from madagascar or someother random place. Anyhow, I kept waking up and telling myself to stop dreaming about them. But as soon as I closed my eyes, here they come again, crawling on the floor. Being agressive. Then the night before that I dreamed my BF was some well known hunk of a guy. He looked like my boyfriend sometimes but was taller and more muscular than my BF. A lot more nicer as well. And he was some sort of mechanic or something, someone who liked to create with his hands. Anyhow, we kept trying to get it on under a boarkwarlk or picinic tables. And everytime I'd get into the mood and we'd start to kiss, someone would discover us and we'd have to play it off and move to another location. weird, eh? And I think we were trying for a baby. Very disturbing! But the dream I had last night was of he hanging out in a nicely lit hotel room or apartment or something. I came with my BF but he wasn't around. But I wasn't alone either. His friend Indy (who's a real person BTW) was there and we were just talking about everyday things. Then all of a sudden he kisses me. Not a peck, or a makeout, just a small single smooth. And I stop talking and think, okay that was weird. Then I keep on talking and he does it again, and then a third time. And by this third time I'm wondering why he keeps giving me these small teases and doesn't just make out with me. But he goes on talking about something we were having a conversation about, as if it was no big deal and only wanted to "try it". Nothing more. So I kinda woke up with a broken heart.

Jesus! I swear I'm way too vulnerable in my 'special' time of the month.

[note: Indy has been changed to protect their current existence]