"I like my spine chilled...shaken, not stirred."
This was a not I wrote to myself on the bus in NY. I couldnt get to a computer right away so I wanted to get it out before I had lost it:
9-17-04
9:57a
I saw Howard Roark today. Or at least what my mind has made him up to be. And he was beautiful. I was walking past the bus station, talking to a friend, and emerging from the doors at the top of the steps was a tall man about 6 foot (maybe more) with reddish hair hair, blue eyes, slim but slightly build. He wasnt looking in my direction. He looked to the left, to his right. To the corner of 42nd and 8th, His mouth was stern, a straigt line in a square jaw. And his eyebrows were scrunched slightly, not a frown, but a look of concentration. He wore blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt w/ a plaid flannet button down. He held a dark bag, a duffel I think, over one shoulder and his forearms looked strong under the rolled up sleeves. He was simply beautiful. He looked like he was on his way somewhere, (obviously) but his eyes were thinking. He didnt need to stop walking to think, to get overwhelmed by the city and its tall buildings and masses of crowds. He knew. He was sure. That was the certainty in which he moved. Someone who was not afraid. Not afraid of the rivers of cars, of its capitalism...if that's the right word. He was unfaulteringly beautiful! I wonder where he was going, where he was coming from, what he was going to do. Everything my friend was saying was blocked by his presence. I had forgotten altogether that she was there. She was nothing more than a muffled noise that faded into the background. I could feel no floor, I could see nothing but him...for that one instant. It was funny how I noticed him. Just walking along, I glanced to the doors from out of habit and I glanced him without noticing. As soon as I lost eye sight of him, by brain decoded the information and before I realized, I was taking a second glance...staring. Not voluntarily staring of course. Besides, I was only looking for less than half a second, literally. And can you believe that in that very moment I could have shat and vomitted at the same time? This rare occurence, this amazing coincidence. And what amazes me most is that a figment of my imagination lives and breathes as a real person! This could be dangerous, if I see him again. It would be amazing, but I fear I have blured the lines of fantasy and reality. How has this complete stranger become the greatest spectale of beauty I've ever seen? I'm sure he knows nothing of the games my mind plays, but I wonder who does? I mean, what other person would act like I do? Am I mad, crazy, insane??? Why would I long to meet a character of a book that is completely fictional??? It feels as though I'm setting myself up for disappointment! I feel soooooo stupid and embarassed reading this back to myself. One of these days I'm going to get myself into some real trouble confusing my thoughts with the truth. Anyway, I'm positive this guy doesn't have anywhere near the ideals that Ayn Rand gave to the character of Howard Roark. Roark...what a name. As far as I'm concerned, this guy is a psycho until proven innocent. JESUS! I haven't the time to be putting myself through this shit!
::sigh::
I remember in high school I still had imaginary friends. Not nany that I could physically see or actually had tea parties with or anything. But I remember doing things, like watching television in my room and pretending there was someone there watching wiht me, laughing as I laughed, feeling what I felt. I havent done that in a long while. Probably because I have a BF and all. Ya know, someone around me all the time. So I wouldn't really have time to let my mind wander like that. But I did it yesterday for the first time since...since 3 years ago. I know what it means now. It means that I'm lonely again. For the first time in nearly 3 years, I'm lonely.
.......................................
Had lunch with kitty today. We shared a pizza and went to an internet cafe. She's dating a guy who's getting married, or at lest wantes to get married to his GF. I'm not sure why. Perhaps out of obligation? Seems she has a make believe love as well...
[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]
9-17-04
9:57a
I saw Howard Roark today. Or at least what my mind has made him up to be. And he was beautiful. I was walking past the bus station, talking to a friend, and emerging from the doors at the top of the steps was a tall man about 6 foot (maybe more) with reddish hair hair, blue eyes, slim but slightly build. He wasnt looking in my direction. He looked to the left, to his right. To the corner of 42nd and 8th, His mouth was stern, a straigt line in a square jaw. And his eyebrows were scrunched slightly, not a frown, but a look of concentration. He wore blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt w/ a plaid flannet button down. He held a dark bag, a duffel I think, over one shoulder and his forearms looked strong under the rolled up sleeves. He was simply beautiful. He looked like he was on his way somewhere, (obviously) but his eyes were thinking. He didnt need to stop walking to think, to get overwhelmed by the city and its tall buildings and masses of crowds. He knew. He was sure. That was the certainty in which he moved. Someone who was not afraid. Not afraid of the rivers of cars, of its capitalism...if that's the right word. He was unfaulteringly beautiful! I wonder where he was going, where he was coming from, what he was going to do. Everything my friend was saying was blocked by his presence. I had forgotten altogether that she was there. She was nothing more than a muffled noise that faded into the background. I could feel no floor, I could see nothing but him...for that one instant. It was funny how I noticed him. Just walking along, I glanced to the doors from out of habit and I glanced him without noticing. As soon as I lost eye sight of him, by brain decoded the information and before I realized, I was taking a second glance...staring. Not voluntarily staring of course. Besides, I was only looking for less than half a second, literally. And can you believe that in that very moment I could have shat and vomitted at the same time? This rare occurence, this amazing coincidence. And what amazes me most is that a figment of my imagination lives and breathes as a real person! This could be dangerous, if I see him again. It would be amazing, but I fear I have blured the lines of fantasy and reality. How has this complete stranger become the greatest spectale of beauty I've ever seen? I'm sure he knows nothing of the games my mind plays, but I wonder who does? I mean, what other person would act like I do? Am I mad, crazy, insane??? Why would I long to meet a character of a book that is completely fictional??? It feels as though I'm setting myself up for disappointment! I feel soooooo stupid and embarassed reading this back to myself. One of these days I'm going to get myself into some real trouble confusing my thoughts with the truth. Anyway, I'm positive this guy doesn't have anywhere near the ideals that Ayn Rand gave to the character of Howard Roark. Roark...what a name. As far as I'm concerned, this guy is a psycho until proven innocent. JESUS! I haven't the time to be putting myself through this shit!
::sigh::
I remember in high school I still had imaginary friends. Not nany that I could physically see or actually had tea parties with or anything. But I remember doing things, like watching television in my room and pretending there was someone there watching wiht me, laughing as I laughed, feeling what I felt. I havent done that in a long while. Probably because I have a BF and all. Ya know, someone around me all the time. So I wouldn't really have time to let my mind wander like that. But I did it yesterday for the first time since...since 3 years ago. I know what it means now. It means that I'm lonely again. For the first time in nearly 3 years, I'm lonely.
.......................................
Had lunch with kitty today. We shared a pizza and went to an internet cafe. She's dating a guy who's getting married, or at lest wantes to get married to his GF. I'm not sure why. Perhaps out of obligation? Seems she has a make believe love as well...
[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]
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