That Moment of Realization

My BF and I had a long talk about where we want to go in life and how he can not be afraid to let me go out and do things on my own. He tells me, yet again, that he feels like my father instead of my BF...but this time it feels different. Now I see how he feels like my father, not because of how dependent I am of him, but of how possessional and controling he feels he needs to be over my life...because of that past situation which he had to 'rescue' me from. Which I could have told myself that a long time ago, and which I did, but I never really saw it materialize from him so pure than it had yesterday afternoon. So now he is finally realizing that he can not keep me like his only child, or perhaps like he must let me graduate high school and allow me to go away to college. Much like he is seeing the time is coming for our relationship to end. And I cried a little from this realization, and he might have broke a tear, but it doesnt hurt as much as I thought it would. He tells me, "no matter how much you want to deny it, we're really just a couple of good friends. We do things for each other and sacrifice some things in order for things to work out, but we're not GF and BF like we should be". And I know this is because of us not being able to have sex in a while (almost a year since september I've been celebate), but he denies that is the reason. But I know that is the reason and he just doesnt want me to feel that our relationship collapsed, or was neutralizing because of that. But I know so. And I knew it would happen. It was just a matter of time. I mean, from a man that tells me nearly everyday that my religion controls me because I do not act out on my human impulses and that sex is as natural as breathing, I predicted he'd supress, then crack, then deny, then finally come to terms and relaize what was happening with him. And I'm actually okay with it. As a matter of fact my time is coming around, and he fears that when I excel, he's out the door. Well, I do plan on moving out once I graduate and get a job of $30,000/year, but it's his choice to move out with me. I know how he feels that he must "make it" for his mom and the rest of his family, but he shouldn't have that burden. He fears leaving his childhood home because he'll feel that he's abandoning his mother. His father did the wrong thing and told my BF that he trusted him to "take care of his mother" or 'support the family' when he was gone. And those were his last dying words. There are 2 other men in this family. Why couldnt one of them been chosen? And why can't my BF take care of them while living somewhere else? Perhaps we're fustrated with each other because we need our own space? So not only is my BF struggling with his temp job AND trying to make it in the film and acting world, he's also super fustrated because he has been taught that sex should be the cure all and relies on that as his crutch. Perhps I've gone celebate to teach him a long and crutial lesson, that he is much better than that? Subconciously of course. And maybe that was wrong of me. But it seems that he's much too stubborn to realize this or afraid to take the risk. Whichever the case, breaking him is no easy task. And I'm just exhaughsted with everything...Apparently he is too.

Well, at least it was a good break...

He's still welcome when I make the move.