E. Village/So Ho

So I went to the Vintage shop in the village and had a bunch of fun. It felt so good to hang with a friend and not have my BF go nutty because, a) He dominated the conversation, b) felt jealous and/or intimidated by my guy friend, or c) would call every 15 minutes because he's a nervous wreck that I'm hangin with a guy friend or to "make sure I was alright" (I know this is a ploy to find out whats going on). So it felt really good to hang with no holdups or irritations. I haven't had that in a while...That's why when kitty's folks leave for DR, I'll be over there hanging out. Just Chillin'.

Po Po was a complete gentleman. We went to an Italian place because we were absolutely STARVING! Plus everyother place we stopped at wouldn't open until 5:30pm. :( But it was cool. The food was super good, but the garlic was kinda raw and the acid was working overtime in my stomache. But it was still good. We went into Katherine Melandrino designer store and sharper image. We also went into Ferragamo and po po bought a really nice smelling cologne. Then we got lost! ahahahah! There were too many streets that looked alike! But it was cool, we found our way back to his car and he dropped me off at the train station. All and all I think we had fun, and he liked the picture of him that I drew. :D I have to call him tonight and getr his thoughts about yesterday's escapade.

On the way to the village, I rode with a friend on the train from school (it was on the way to her house). "Orange" was telling me that her relationship with her guy of 2 years had been weird for the past month or so. She said that he demanded more of her time and felt he wasn't getting enough attention from her. So she told him to 'relax' and he thought she was just thinking of herself all of the time. Wow. That's the same problem I'm having. And her guy is another jealous/insecure guy, but she doesn't live with him though. And she doesn't have my situation. So it's easier for her to just turn her back and start over. It's liek with me, I can leave once I get stability, but I fear I'll be labeled as an ungrateful bitch. But if it's not working out now, why the hell would I have him move out with me, just to have him packing a few weeks later? I dunno. We'll see how it works out. I also hope orange has her situation under control so that she can give me a few pointers...

adios amigos!


[note: po po, kitty, and orange have been changed to protect their current existence]

The List

So I was thinking today...while I had some free time in between multi-tasking and having a queezy stomache, that I should make up a list of the pros and cons in my relationship with my BF.

Pro: staying rent free in his home while i go to school
Con: being a burden; no job, no money

Pro: free meals, even if they are pretty much the same 4 days out of the week
Con: the ability to get tired of it quick and forced to spend money or else yak

Pro: having a man means loving arms and a source of meeting new people
Con: lately he's been super crabby and doesn't like it when I mention hanging out with other people.

Pro: getting money from him for snacks, get bills paid, doing fun things together
Con: money on hold since summer started, bills are getting paid but now he's yalling at me at how i should get a job (it was his idea that he pay for my bills in the first place!), when's the last time we went out and not gotten into an argument?

Pro: gentle caresses while cuddling on the couch
Con: he pokes me, constantly...then when I get irritated he asks me what my problem is. So I say to him, "Why cant you touch me lovingly and nice for a change? We're not 4. You dont have to poke me and hit me to show me you're interested or want my attention!" And whateverthehell happend to verbal communication???

Pro: Having a best friend for the rest of your life
Con: Honey, I can't stand him for more than 5 minutes! When did this happen?!

Pro: He's there to take care of you and take you whereever you need to go
Con: He's works a lot, then blabs to me about the friend's he's made and how beautiful his co worker is. Then he gets home and is too tired to do anything that I want to do. Liek what I want to do isn't worth the time or effort

Pro: We're both Christians
Con: Somewhere down the line, after I moved in, he changed his story and decided to tell me that he doesn't completely believe in God or that the bible was written by God!

Con: He does no house work, but complains if I leave something undone. Can you believe he yelled at me because I asked him to get one load of clothes out of the dryer for me? He said, "You NEVER do all fo the laundry on your own! I ALWAYS have to finish the job!" Which is completely untrue! So when I showed him that I did the clothes, without his help a few days ago, he said, "It's about time you started to respect me." MUTHA FUCKA! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT???!!!  But I left it alone or else I would have blew up and would have had been kicked out!

Con: He keeps pushing and pushing me and keeps taking his anger, for whatever happend in his day, out on me. I left home because of that shit. And I don't need to go through it again here.

Con: I dont even want to have sex with him anymore. In fact, I believe that's all he wanted from me in the first place; a person to relieve his stress on. For that and to be a 'trophy girl' amongst his friends. I remember when I was still living back home and he mentioned us going to stay at a beach house with his friends when I came to visit. He said to me, "You know what? You should wear that thong set you bought to the beach. Everyone would be so jealous!" I would have done it too, but the trip was canceled due to some reason I can't recall at the moment. I remember buying the thong set online just for his eyes to see, but I wanted to wow him. That is why I would have wore it on the beach...it wsa a stupid thought and I'm glad the trip was canceled. I would have regretted being so hooched out just to impress one person. But anyway, I stopped having sex with him because I felt that it was sinful and I felt guilty, and yadda yadda yadda. So I wanted to keep building the connection that I have with God. Now please tell me why my BF was like, "I dont understand why you're doing this. Just because you religion says so? You can't believe the bible because it was written a long time ago for those times and blah blah blah." Well, last time I checked, the 7 deadly sins AND the 10 commandments are still rules to live by. So why should I believe one thing and not the other if they are both in the bible? He says, "you shouldn't put your faith on a book that some guy wrote." And no matter how mcu I try to explain how the bible came to be, what the messages in the are worth, and why my faith is so strong, he rolls his eye and says I'm stupid for believing in something so outdated. Well I'm sorry, asshole, that being a christian isn't the current trend this year! And not that cursing is part of my religion...I'm just so FUMED! And cursing is something that I have to work on...not cursing out loud, but just the thought of so many curse words. It just brings me down.

Con: I think...no, I know I'm losing love for him. And when that's gone.......


But anyhow, that's my list...

Isn't it funny?

Isn't it funny how I start paying less attention to my BF and more attention to po po and now he's being all nice and less crabby to me? Now it's making me feel guilty for planning on going out on friday!

I didnt meet po po for lunch today. He got tied up in errands and such. It's cool though, he's completely clear for friday. I just wish "kitty" could go with me. She was supposed to be with me today after her interview, and she still is, but she wont be able to meet po po. Oh well. It's cool though. Me and kitty haven't hung out in a while...

until next time...

perhaps friday...


[note: po po and kitty have been changed to protect their current existence]

So I took a test...

And this is what it had to say:

"Your Psych-Ward diagnosis"


Antisocial Personality Disorder
Diagnosis: AntiSocial Personality Disorder, marked by the following: Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviours as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead, Irritability and aggressiveness, Reckless, Consistent irresponsibility, Lack or remorse, Indifference.

Hey, I have remorse...Lots of it!  And I plan ahead!

Figures...

changing of the tides...

It seems that when I get to that point where I need one little inch to push me off the edge to leaveing my BF, the tides change and we have a good day together. That good day could retrieve yards, even miles of forgiveness, for him. Only if this good would keep up.

I met a guy online about two months or so ago, and we've been keeping in contact by e-mails and jusy recently (nearly a week) by phone. My BF knows he calls but only knows him as my friend. Now my BF is a jealous guy and doesnt like me having friends of the opposite sex, let alone hanging out with the opposite sex without him around. Which is understandable since it's only been a year, a month, and eleven days since my rape at the hotel party. He's protective, I understand, but to a point to where I'm suffocating...hense the blog title. But naturally, I want out, because I can not be friends with whomever I want and chill when I want without him having to call me a million times during the outtings and jealous to the point where he thinks I may be cheating. So I 'm driven to it. He pushes me to the limits and he chains up my little heart. It came to the point where I was willing to interact upon a lesbian relationship with a girl I met just to be able to get out of the house without him giving me the third degree. Is that what I want to result to just to be free? Become a sexual orientation that I am not just to feel not so trapped?

So that's what brings me to my online friend, we'll call him "Po Po". Just as recently as yesterday night, I got into a sexual conversation with him. A full fledged 'what positions are best for you' and 'what pornos are your favorites' and even the possibilities of us hooking up if this thing with my BF and I aren't working out. It was a good conversation, though a dangerous one. I wouldn't have dont it if my BF would have been home. He told me he had a meeting with a buddy of his and that he'd be back soon. He left at 2 in the afternoon and didnt come back until I was in the bed at nearly 12:30am. What kind of meeting last 10 hours?! Supposedly they were working on a poster, went to kinko's and chilled out at a diner. How come he can go out with his friends and I cant? He gets pains in his chest when I go out...I get a guilt treatment. I want friends of my own! The only friends I have only exist online or while I'm at school. Well you know what? I'm going to the vintage store with my friend on friday and I'm inviting Po Po. I dont think I'll be driven to kiss him, but it's a large possibility. I need love, I need friends, I need FREEDOM!


[note: po po has been changed to protect his current existence]

First Post of it's kind...

I should have started this post nearly 3 months ago, when I started having my problems...

BF and I had another episode yesterday when I became his emotional punching bag.  Stuff happens to him in his business with his 'so-called' friends and he yells at me for stupid stuff like not making the bed one morning, or because I asked him to get a single load of clothes out of the dryer. I mean, I understand that he works until 4 and I am at school until 2, but I at least make an attempt to keep the place clean. He'll use a comb and not put it back. He'll get some mail and leave it on the computer desk. Then he gets mad at me for putting all of his papers and stuff in a pile! Well clean it the fuck up! And then he yells at me... I'm not a fucking maid, you know?

And why do I have to do all the laundry anyway??? He's got so many specific things he wants done to his clothing , like folding the shirts this way, or using this specific hanger to hang his pants, or buttoning his dress shirts that way...he should just do it himself! I guess since he pays the bills I am at dept. I can't get a regualr job because no one wants a person to work for them in the afternoon to evening, unless your a waitress. and since i dont have those skills, i'm a bus girl when one of them calls out sick. man, the movie theatre didnt even want me! so I'm stuck, working every once in a while. But things will change when I graduate in december. I'll get a SALERY job and be able to pay my own bills!...

I just wish I didnt feel so hopeless all the time...

And I think, my BF doesnt love me anymore.