To Suffocate Euphoria

What is this?

2012-01-21T14:03:00.001-05:00

I can't take this... It drives me to insanity, this feeling. Not an emotion, but this savage feeling to take down any man I want to conquer. As if It were my birthright, as if it were my ultimate mission in life; my ultimate unfinished goal. To conquer all the men that had escaped me in all my previous lives.. To make myself known as the top, as the head of all creation. As Akasha, as Anne Rice had felt when she wrote Queen of the Damned. To conquer. to mount. to control.

Madness struggling with insanity

2011-12-15T18:16:00.001-05:00

Which will Win? Either way, I'm doomed to die suffocating in my grief..

I am plagued by what may be called a 'torn heart', but I know what calls me. The issue isn't deciding. It is heeding to the beckoning call of his dominance. A power I must swallow and ignore. Must deny the deliciousness of it's sweet flavours. It's texture reining superior over anything I've ever known, anything I've ever had yet to experienced. But it gives me strength.. And knows exactly where I lack so that he may fill those crumbled spaces created by previous tormentors.

My senses filled with his puissance.. How much longer can I ignore this, this fire!

But I must put it out of my mind somehow, for I am already bound to another.. In saddened bandages. Praying to find an escape, a glimmer from a crack in this dungeon. So that I can have my freedoms. My singularity. My sanity.

-- For KC

Use me up

2011-12-08T07:35:00.001-05:00

Here I am again, my head all a fuzz and fucking on the mind. I really ought to get some help on this matter.. The matter being my bordom of relationships. I think the only relationships I've truly wanted to last were out of my range or just plain weren't interested.. *sigh*

I'm still in a relationship with 'elfont', but I get increasing bored as each day passes. He's sweet, but a bit of a complete loser. I mean, he has goals but he doesn't want to work at them to succeed. He thinks its just going to fall in his lap. And u know how I can't stand complainers.. I complain enough as it is! I Need someone who will help bring me out of it, not beat me to the punch and score twice as high. And it's been wearing me down..nearly 4yrs in. And I cant take it anymore. So I met someone.. But not like that. He's a friend. A confident If u will.. A supportive one.

I actually looked him up, searching for someone else, and stumbled upon him by pure accident. At the time he seemed like a regular guy, but something happened after our first meeting. Something about the way he chose his words, something about the quiet intensity in his eyes. Something held close to me and I haven't been able to shake it. But I'm trying my best to be good. I'm making an effort this time to not be a slut.. But the more I try to put him out of my mind, the stronger his hold gets. I don't even think he's aware, but he's been haunting my dreams. And even pops into my train of thought, unannounced, while I'm trying to concentrate at work. I'm even perspiring now discussing it. What is this? how can it be so strong? and for what reason?

There was a moment after we met for the second time (the day after), where I was trying to make a deadline at work. And I'm very focused on the workload, but out of nowhere a thought of him pops up. And is charged with the most ferocious sexual current I've ever felt without warrant. I mean, nips hard, cheeks flushed, lips quivering, and a mist about my face and neck. 'What on earth?!?' I ask myself.. And nothing can keep the scenarios out of my head! Images flash of me sitting in his lap (at my desk), him under my desk and my legs wrapped around his face, and the list goes on for another few moments before I have to excuse myself for a walk outside the building for lunch. I desperately needed air!

But the night before was it's real start. I was lying in bed as the BF played vid games in another room, and I began to try to make sense of why sex with him hasn't been very enjoyable. I was terribly frustrated with grief and racked my brain for a solution. I mean, we love each other very much, but sex has been so blah, and a bit painful (for me). And also thinking why I've never cum vaginally. So I'm sulking instead of sleeping and trying to think up a solution. And as I'm beginning to fall asleep, out of nowhere he, 'KC', pops up and says directly to me, "Just leave it to me, I WILL make you cum." And I must of had a face on like 'good luck, thanks for trying', because the next thing he did was draw me close to him (in this dream I'm lying in my bed as if I had never fallen asleep and he appears at the foot of my bed), my legs spread, and he says, "it's the condoms that are hurting you. And I know what I'm doing. I will prove it to you." And with the that he thrust an 'unsheathed' cock in me. Thrusting slow and carefully at first, then a more pronounced tug at my hips. And he was right.. His naked, hard (yet soft enough to caress my walls like silk) cock was giving me just the right amount of give to ease my battered pussy! And came i did! Electric and pulsating...it was delicious!

But alas, it was only a dream.. And the real 'KC' is much too sweet for an act like that. But I can't deny the hardcore crush I've got going for him..

It's sad really. That my brain has resulted into such erotic nonsense when I should be respecting his friendship. and his heart. He's so kind and has such a softness, a warmness to him. I wouldn't want anything to jeopardize that. It's just so difficult, you know? He has something that not many ppl poses. And it's so rare that I want to share that energy with him in the most intimate way..

But I can't have it.

Does that make me an Energy Vampire???

kalimotxo

2009-08-10T23:37:00.004-04:00

In a word, if i could recount
How you taste on my lips
How deep your scent radiates
warm and lush

You are in every way my Litrona, Kalimotxo
Dramatic of the vine and sweet bubble drips
Over my lips
Thick and bitter and sweet

A slowed dance of flavor
Skin perfumed of the struggles
Of paucity
Of vitality

Straining to make out your deplore
Shaded by strife
But lips make their appeal
Uncompromised, pregnant with revelations

What glamour is this?
What somber sprite has embraced
This fragile frame that can only regard
Your empathy in blushed stupor

Guide me to conceive
Oh master, preceding glimmer
Leering out what fiendish possesion
Grips the hollow fabrication of ones reason; ones heart

Forgive me, dear priest
I can not help but be
Completely enamoured
Smitten by rancorous disiplines..

Read to music on the brain from..

Artist: Autolux
Album: Future Perfect
Song: Angry Candy

2009-03-06T13:30:00.003-05:00

Not sure what has started this, or when exactly this thing has started... but I plan to figure it out..

It started in the summer I think, or maybe going on into the Fall is really when I felt it.. At that time is when I really began to feel this thing and understand that it was something beyond this Earth. I feel as though there's another force in nature that has me believing in its actual power. Not necessarily a power of the Earth, but a power beyond it that fuels the earth. For a long time I believe this to be the power of God but didnt really understand it too much.. I mean, I understood that there was a force beyond anything I could ever understand.. but somehow this power has made a revelation to me. But it feels different than the power I was familiar with in the past. The power seemed untouchable, but this power is all about me and begs for me to be involved. But I dont want to until I can understand it fully.

About a month ago I was watching a programme on either the History channel or Discovery (I cant remember), but it was talking about Nostrodomus' predictions of the "End of the World" and how it lined up w/ the Mayan calender and their calculations for the Apocolypse. So it was these 2 sources who lined up all their theories to roughly the same day. Now, assuming Nostrodomus had never studied the Mayan calender...or whether this was his interpretation of the Maya calender, it didnt not say. But it did mention that the Mayans came to their prediction through the astronomy & mathmatics. Nostrodomus, on the other hand, came to his predictions from prophet visions he'd been having. But just like any other person on this Earth, I'm sure they've taken their imagination to the brink of fantastical story and put it down on paper. I think this is what he has done, and by chance, another group of ppl have also predicted the same thing, but going a step further and trying to figure out a date for the events. Now, I'm not discounting Nos' writings for false, but I'm just saying he's not the only guy in the world to fantasize about the end of the world. Ppl do it everyday now on blogs (wink, wink), websites, comment posts, television shows, movies, books...I mean, everyone on our planet right now is probably very aware that our Earth is dying or going to go through a major change in the near future.

As a human lifeform, I feel certain things are universally shared between the subjects. Before there was the massive technological wave of modern times, I'm sure it was a lot easier to "listen" to what we needed as ppl. But now it seems we are told what we need, and we are slowly being taught not to "listen". We're being told we dont need to "listen" becasue we already have everything given to us. What I mean by "listen" is before we had the internet, before television, before satalites and radiation waves and the like, there were ppl living with nature, instead of forcing nature to the side in order for them to live. There used to be harmony. But with technology came power, and with power came money, then money & power brought destruction. It brought us the H-bomb, the A-bomb, wars, and a great sadness. All because of power & money.

I cant wrap my head around how ppl think these days. I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone believes after we die, we move on to another life.. either an everlastling life in heaven or an additional life on this planet further in the future. Either way, what we do on this Earth should be focused on making this a better place for everyone. Not just for you or for your Country...for everyone! And it just bothers me how ppl will allow selfishness to take over everything God has given them. That's like telling him, "Yeah, you gave me this, but it's not enough. I want what he has over there." Greed, selfishness, envy, blasphomy... How dare Bush say his actions were lead by God! Even an Athiest wouldnt be so selfish..

Battle of the Amazons

2008-12-17T13:19:00.004-05:00

Okay, so their not really Amazons, but they're tall models where one is perfectly slim, & the other is a bit pudgy. Princess is the pudgy one, & she's that type of girl that needs to be the center of attention at all times. Rogue is the slimmer girl who just moved into my bfs loft apt (they're about 10 deep already!) Anyhoo, they've both kinda got a liking for the Song Bird of the house. It started when Song Bird asked Princess if it would be okay if they shared a room to split the cost of rent. Princess agreed, probably thinking Song Bird had a secret crush on her (so vain, i swear!) Then Rogue & her Gimp (a couple of new rommies) decided to take up the same living arrangment.

It was obvious Rogue & Gimp were not living together as a couple, but Princess decided to plant the seed & soon it became the common thought. Once Rogue heard of this, she made the point clear. Rogue also participated in demeaning Gimp, which made it all the more clear how "not in love" with him she was. Princess was not happy about it; Neither was Gimp, bc he was secretly in love w/ Rogue! Actually Gimp is actually (not so secretly) in love w/ every kind of female he comes into proximity with (yeah, he's that type!). So then Rogue made a point to ask me about Song Bird & Princess's living situation & hoped no one thought the same for her & Gimp. Once all the dust had settled & everyone was sure of which situation was what, Song Bird announced he had just started dating a young girl that did not include any housemates. *Pfew!* So the line was set & the Amazon's hearts were settled.

Or so I thought... Rogue 1up'd Princess by recieveing a cheek plant from Song Bird as a greeting upon his arrival to the apt last night. She was the only one to request the peck. I felt the tention from Princess & Gimp before it had even happend, then satisfaction once the act was made. If you havent already noticed, I'm team Rogue! :D

Let's tally the scores, shall we?

1. Princess locks down Song Bird & plants "Rogue-hearts-Gimp" seed. Princess = 1up
2. Rogue squashed false seed & demeaned Gimp to drive the truth home. Rogue = 1up, Princess = -1
3. Song Bird announces date w/ non-roomie. Song Bird = 1up
4. Gimp wear's his heart on his sleeve & does not disprove demeaning comments. Gimp = -1
5. Rogue gets a lone cheek plant from Song Bird. Rogue = 1up

Total Tally:
Princess = 0
Rogue = 2
Song Bird = 1
Gimp = -1

Until next time...

[note: Princess, Rogue,Song Bird, and Gimp have been changed to protect their current existence]

Untimely Rapport

2008-11-24T15:55:00.006-05:00

My Dearest,

Just to bring us up to current. Hiphop decided to call me out of the blue 1 day about a month ago & ask when he can visit. I told him, "whenever you'd like, my doors are always open." But they arent as open as he'd like.. Nor as open as I'd hoped once he decided to come around. But I've come to realize that Hiphop comes around when his relationships goes South. What a pitty (So desu ne)!

red & I have put off dating since his project had ended more than a year ago. It was his project that kept us together bc he would have meetings in my town. Now that that's over, we are over. But we are still friends. Since then, I have met another in my own town (finally!) that seems to compliment my personality & vice versa. He is elfont & he is beautiful. The only problem is shortly before elfont, there was briefly lala.. Eventhough lala was never a relationship option, I cling to his ever-changing heart & melansholic prose. I can not imagine how i have gotten this point w/ him. I was a mere spectator of his arts for a year before we met, & even when we'd talk brfiefly before then (oh, & it was brief!), i barely got 2 words of recognition. But once we met, it was a whirlwind of passion & exstacy! ...& here is where the delima lies. I remember meeting elfont & finding an enormously striking parallel to lala! Not that lala is my dream guy or anything, but sometimes I feel like I began a relationship w/ elfont bc of my preference for lala. But now that i've mused more & more on it, i feel that elfont has made himself independent within the casings of my heart. He truely is, I think, the vision of my counterpart. Now, if you ask me if he feels the same? We will see..... & then I will have a more timley rapport.

Until then.........

[note: red, Hiphop, lala, and elfont have been changed to protect their current existence]

I'm such a user

2007-12-23T03:40:00.000-05:00

So it's been quite some time....same about a month over 2 years, since i've posted here. I'm very sorry about this. Usually I'm very consistant about speaking my mind & voicing opinions, but perhaps with the freedom of being single & actually having time to enjoy myself, i left my poor dear Bloggy to rot...to be forgotten. :( So I am a "user".. I only used you when i was down & backed into a corner. But when i was set free, i never looked back! & for that i am sorry!

Reading back over all the messages I wrote to my lonesome, I was actually quite suprised & intrigued w/ how i predicted things to pass! I was also completely enamoured w/ my writing & how i chose my words. I was actually interested in what happend next than being completely bored out of my mind (which is a plus!) :D & I actually felt the amazing weight of my fustrations & sadness. It was my first relationship and it had turned so sour so quickly. But I dont mind it. I have learned much from the situation & have vowed to never let it happen again. i won't "let" things happen any longer...it only prolongs the grief!

So let's RECAP, shall we?

After graduation & my vacation, kitty & i drifter apart rather suddenly. Not because of negative feelings or anything, but because we were just completely consumerd by our work. the guy she was seeing actually did get married & kitty moved on to more troublesome relationships. come'on kitty, you only have 9 lives!

po po actually started dating a girl he met online. they dated & evetually were inseperable for a year & a half.. the whole time po po ignored me & blamed it on the excuse that his girl was a jealous controling bitch. not to mention childish. but when they broke up, we were hanging out again (hurray!), but it was short lived. a few months after that they were together again, but we actually found out that she never stopped dating the guy she was dating when they were seperated! very heart-breaking.. then depression set in for po po. & then he became a work-a-holic & i just saw him for the first time about a month ago since last winter.. its sad when you're only important when someone needs you for something, like a pick-me-up, instead of a real friendship..

i havent talked to orange since before graduation, but she's actually been on my mind for the past couple weeks. i hope everything is okay with her & cairo. I never heard the conclusion to her sorrows..

i actually visited hiphop this past spring, as well as a couple other friends. i took a 2 week vacation (a little over 2 weeks) & had the time of my life! it was a little piece of home that i felt when i was there.. & it was so great to see hiphop! but it wasnt as it should have been, or at least how i wanted it to be. we saw each other barely twice & he didnt even seem interested. ho hum. thats just what happens i guess.

my Darling actually got himself engaged to his ex, whom he swore would kill if she showed her face around his parts again. but its fine. it was a short-lived online infatuation. Mr. Boo Hoo's sis & brown actually broke up not too long after we did. turns out he wanted a family & she wasnt ready for all that. such a shame.. he was really nice, but painful for me to look at. but coincidentally, years later, i met a guy with the same face a couple weeks ago. but he was not a nice guy...he only had the mask of my long lost friend.

terry is definately long gone out of my life (i actually deleted that program he asked me to download).. & i havent spoken to milky since he decided to shut down his site (which was at least a year & change ago). it was the best! i can never get enough of new music! i tried to keep up w/ him, but he never seemed too interested to respond. so i let him go.

hmm, let's see... i think that was about all the afore mentioned characters.

i read back to the bizzaro dream w/ my tall, dark haired, graceful friend sharing energies in the kitchen. the one where we nearly graze lips, remember? well sometime during this summer, after cleaning my room w/ music blaring (as usual), i like to turn on one track in particular that i will use to completely relax my brain & just get absolutely spacey. now usually it's massive attatck's "black milk", but i think i had recently DLed Lamb's "Hearts & Flowers" & "Darkness"..anyhow, i was laying back on my bed, knees up & my back being supported by pillows.. the light was so perfect & shining through my little window into my room & giving it that special glowy sunray filled amazment that you can identify w/ fantasy forests & faeries.. and as i drifted off into my daze, i was painfully aware of the empty space left in my heart from loves past & lovers lost. & all i wanted was a bit of comfort in that moment. but without even making a quiver of a plea, a faceless man in just a basic pair of jeans, shirtless, appeared beside my bed. he was standing there, facing me, his skin golden from being bathed in the sunlight. then he almost weightlessly sat himself next to me, barely clearing the edge of the bed, & leaned forward to embrace me. i could have trickled a tear in this moment. a) because i was so enamoured w/ this whole hearted empathy & b) it was the same feeling as before..as the dream in the kitchen, only this time i was in between worlds. i wasnt sure whether i was awake or dreaming.. i could not tell you what he smelled like, but his skin was radient & warm & soft. in a way, his dimeaner actually reminded me of one of my ex's, (no not the first one from which this blog started).. yes, he actually had a slight uneasiness like my ex..almost as if he didnt know if this was the right way or if he had complete approval by me to do so. but it was sweet. i only wish he had a face. it wasnt spooky or anything that he didnt have a face, not in a horror-movie type of way. but it was just blank...to me it felt as if his eyes were just closed. and for a moment i felt as if there may have been a bit of "grinding".. but it was soon interupted by a sharp pain my ribs. it felt as though he had placed a boney elbow in between two of my ribs & was persistently leaning on it. kind of as if he was fascinated of how easily the pain came to me. but i told him to "Stop it. Please stop", but i could hardly get the breaths out. it was becoming harder & harder for me to breathe. & because i didnt want to cry out, i continued to quietly plea & eventually i was fully awake & he had disappeared. but i was irritated on how he was so adiment on giving me pleasure, then took it to a painful level..just for pain's sake. But I constantly wonder that if i was dreaming, there was nothing around me to cause that much pain to my ribs. i mean after all, i was lying on my back & propped up by pillows. my ribs definatly weren't leaning on anything at all!

But whichever the case. I long for that wonderful feeling. that embrace. i want to feel i can love w/out fearing to be hurt. hmm.. hopefully i have found this, but he lives so far away! well, not very far, but he's def not in my town :( another state in fact.. but you know me, i'm not the cheesy romantic type.. but somehow he brings it out of me! as dumb as i feel doing or saying some things, he gives it right back to me..twice as sweet! honestly, i walk around this place w/ a nego-cloud over my head, constantly on defense, w/ a barbed-wire tounge. but when i'm w/ Red, i dont feel i have to be that person at all! & thats such an amazing feeling! such a conforting feeling.. i just wish he could be around all the time. but knowing my track record, maybe this is the best for us? at least this way i can get to know Red w/o getting sick of him so soon.

But this poses the question of should i or should i not date anyone else besides him? i mean, i REALLY want to be with him...you know? like, so bad it hurts! but i cant deal w/ only seeing him 2 or 3 times a year.. i wonder how he deals w/ us not being together. does he date? has he had girls he's been seeing & never gave up b/c he knows he wont be moving closer to me? Yes, him moving here is a convo we havent really brought up. In Feb it will be a year since we've met, but as of now, 7 months since we've been intimate. I'm setting up a weekend for us for Valentine's, so i expect this conversation to come up then. its kinda important, you know? b/c i think i'm starting to love Red. & i'm gonna need to know if its in vain.

Until again, my friend..

[note: po po, kitty, and orange, cairo, hiphop, Darling, terry, Mr. Boo Hoo, brown, milky, Red have been changed to protect their current existence]

pink lips

2005-08-27T06:02:00.000-04:00

Came across this today...couldn't resist posting:

no foreplay
no warning
no sexual energy exchanged
when I unzip your jeans
push them down
toss panties aside
lay you on the side of the bed
spread your pink lips
exposing your clit
slowly circling with my tongue
smelling your excitement
licking just the clit
up and down
two strokes a second
steady rhythm
feeling it grow
throbbing hard
sliding down to enter
tasting you fully
sucking your engorged lips
back to clit
strong relentless tongue
flicking against you
three male fingers enter
so tight and wet
licking, licking, licking
a finger probes your anus
slowly till halfway
feeling your contractions
wanting to cum
needing to cum
pleading to cum
begging to cum
hips like a carnival ride
wanting, needing, pleading, begging
fighting back and losing
surrendering to the wicked tongue

moaning, groaning, screaming
waves of pleasure
tingling of toes and fingertips
nipples ice hard
pussy pushing my fingers out
wetting the bed with cum
turning your over
for a well deserved spanking
a butt warming spanking
intermixed with fingers
sliding inside pink walls
ass cheeks burning
face cheeks blushing
squirming with delight
feeling my cockhead
moving up and down
squishing against wet lips
thrust deep inside
a good healthy fuck
from behind

DAMN! ^_~

and so the day has/had come

2005-08-06T12:23:00.000-04:00

...and track back to blog on Monday, March 28, 2005:

It has happend finally, and it was just what needed to be done. I will be moving out next weekend and all that we were is not in limbo anymore. Past 2 weeks, had stomache problems for what was happening. He cried when he told me, I was relieved and tried not to smile with joy. He hates me for being non-chalant about it, but I made sure I let him know why. I told him exactly why this was a good thing, and why I wouldnt fight his decision. This was a month and a week ago...a day after I came back from vacation. What a way to end an already depressing time (i didnt want to come back). So I could have been free to do whatever without guilt, and he knew it for 2 months, and he kept it until i got back. What an asshole.

So then a month from that day, he tells me eh changes his mind...but his explaination is not-so-cleverly conceiled behind a plea of, "i didnt really want to break up. I only said that so that you would listen to me and that we'd address our problems." Guess what Mr. Boo Hoo, YOU are the problem that is addressed. And if you will not see that after I have repeatedly explained it to you, then I guess that preblem will never be address in your eyes. And you will fall into the same trap next relationship. So you are not my problem anymore...especially since you wont be seeing me on a regular basis starting next weekend.

No, no...dont try to butter these biscuits. I'm not listening. It's an empty effort...and seafood is SO the answer to my rumbling belly, but not the answer to us. GOT IT? I dont want you anymore. It's over and you made the first move. Now you will be kicking yourself in the ass now and forever. I loved you, thought I would marry, even have your children. 3 years and you change. Not even...1 and 3/4 year and you already start to distance yourself. Remember the last 2 times we had sex? nearly 2 years ago? Do you remember not being present? Do you remember forgetting that it was an effort of us both and not just a moment to bust a nut and roll over? Did you forget it required Love and Passion...not just Lust and Urge and...Hormones?

What happend to you? Why did you stop caring? I'm not your stress punching bag. I am not something you use to "help yourself out". and dont you ever EVER ask me to blow you because you think I should learn, you sick fuck!

...and so that's what I've been up to for the past couple months.

[note: Mr. Boo Hoo has been changed to protect their current existence]

just say, "yes"

2005-05-25T00:58:00.000-04:00

Floetry "Say Yes"

Why must I feel that I have to get out of whatever situation I am in...no matter what it is? Perhaps its a defense mechanism to sheild me form the worst of what can happen. Or something that urges me before the situation gets sour. But I've been ignoring this for quite some time and now I cant pretend I dont hear it any longer.

I'm tired of not being happy, I'm tired of being looked at like an immature idiot, I'm tired of being the cause of his fustrations, and I'm tired of not knowing what I do to fustrate him. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a vendictive person, or a spiteful person. All I want to do is love someone, and have them love me back. Is that so much to ask??? All I want to do is love him, but he wants so many other things from me instead...things that only suit him, things that dont work out for the both of us. And THAT is terribly fustrating. And perhaps he feels the same way of me, but I'll never know because he stopped opening up to me a long time ago. So, the place he used to be, the void he used to fill in my heart, is once again empty. Not completely though, there's still reminents of him there, perhaps a bit of residue, but nothing solid.

I dont want to cry next the the man that is supposed to love me...the man that is supposed to wipe my tears and confort me. And I feel like I'm taking over the duties of his mother. Cleaning the room, doing the laundry, cleaning his dishes. FUCK THAT! do it your own damned self! And it hurts. It's hurts me that he cares so little about me that he doesnt even listen when I talk to him. If I say somthing and he doesnt hear me clearly, he'll talk over me or just not ask me what I said and move on to the next thing he was tlaking about. Then when I ask him what I said, he cant tell me. Am I not that important???

Now, granted, you are supposed to love yourself before you love anyone else...but he is TOTALLY into himslef all the time. just infatuated. he's supposed to be infatuated with me as I am, or used to be, with him. All I want to do is love him and all he wants to do is love himself.

And so I try to love someone else. But I'm not sure I can love them as I want to, wholly, completely. So I've been riding on infatuation after infatuation and it's fustrating that I am here. Trapped in this. And why can't I just love one person and have that be it? But it cant be, because no such thing exists, I fear. And I am sorry po po, and i'm sorry hiphop, and i'm sorry my Darling, and to all that I've strung along...I only wanted your love, in exchange for mine. Just an equal amount shared. No bars held, no restrictions, no boundries, just the purest of the pure. Your. Love. And to that I would say, "Yes" everytime. To craddle in your arms and forget all that ails me. Just to have that gentle caress, silken and smooth, and warm. Warm as your smile, your embrace. A warm hum flooding my ears as the love we share is coursed energy, like circuitry. Connecting us. Melting us. Us swirling and drowning and mixing and drifting. And loving. And loving. And loving...

[note: po po, hiphop, and Darling have been changed to protect their current existence]

and so it surfaces to my face...

2005-05-18T22:58:00.000-04:00

the sex with my bf is not good because we havent had sex in nearly 2 years...

i found myself faking an orgasm one night, and decided to become abstinent, for his sake. of course he doesnt know that. but while my concern is more on "why i had to fake it", his concern would more "who gives a fuck, just give it to me". the truth is, i think he stopped loving me a long time ago, and i felt as though he only wanted the sex. so i stopped it. and he said he could handle it. but 2 years down the line and I KNOW he doesnt love me anymore. i know that he gets very jealous often only because he sees me as his posession. at first, i thought it was flattering that he wanted to show me off in front of his friends, to make them envy him. but now, it only seems that he wanted to propell his self image instead of actually be with me.

when we are alone, he hardly ever wants to sit quietly with me without groping something. dont i deserve just one moment with my loved one...and actually loving them? the only time i can get next to him without feeling like his personal toy is when he's sleeping...but then again, some nights i have to smack him over the head for humping my leg in his sleep. >_<

but i can feel it happening. we're like an old married couple, spending more and more time away from each other. and the time we do spend together is mostly bitter with a few spots of happy. hmm...maybe "happy" isnt the right word...with a few spots of "mutual agreements". it's like this, one day we'll have a disagreement, then it will snowball for about 3 weeks, then he'll blow up in my face..and i'll ask him "where the hell did that come from?" and he;ll blame it on some other crap. and i'll tell him about how its important for us to communicate. because if he has a preoblem, he should tell me instead of sit on it...then burst later. then he complains that when we talk about the problem that i analyze it into damnation, but thats the point of discussing the problem. you have to get it from the root, otherwise it will keep coming back. but he doesnt see that, no matter how much i try to explain it to him.

but a firend of mine pegged his personality good. said he is a spoiled baby-brat. whish is true. and my bf accuses me of being the same because i'm staying with him. so, yes. i think its time for me to move out, and with the proper words, leave him. but i dont think it will be leaving him completely because, as he was previously pegged square on the head, he's spoiled and wouldn't want to leave me alone. i already know how its going to happen. i'll move out, he'll try and keep tabs, then i'll eventually have to tell him that having someone follow me around with a camera is "so not cool".

but i'm not the type to up and start dating someone because i "need" a man, or want to make him jealous. tell you the truth, i wouldnt mind being single for another 5 years. it just feels like freedom to me right now. like i cant spread my wings, you know? mayeb just have a few "friends" for a while...

i dunno. i just know that what i've got now is darn near rotten.

disappointing news opens old wounds...

2005-04-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

The low point [for him] was waking up one morning in London with a hospital tube in his mouth and not knowing where he was. He had overdosed on heroin in his hotel room and had been taken out through the laundry room by aides who were trying to protect his privacy.

so i almost killed someone the other night...

2005-04-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty good weekend because the weather was very nice, and will be nice for the rest of the week. And I went to my boyfriend's friend's birthday party and had fun until we went back to his house and there was this slut, Emily, hanging all over every guy there and making her way to my boyfriend.

I mean, this Bitch was having a mediocre conversation with my BF and inching herself closer to him throughout the conversation, trying to touch him. cause you know how your into a canversation and you're leaning forward and into it. well, this Trick was talking about how she thinks that every Leo in the world has a demple in their chin! i mean, how fucking facinating can that be? really? enough so that you're trying to play footsey with my BF right in front of my fucking face? WHAT THE FUCK?

SO after i include myself into the conversation before things could have gotten ugly, FuckSlut suddenly gets tired of the conversation and starts grinding on random guys at the party. and not just any old bump n' grind dancing. but i mean, using his leg as a strip pole and fastening her legs around the guys waist and leaning all the way back. and hugging all over them and trying to fondle them. and i'm sure they loved the attention, but when she basically dry humped every guy there, there was only my BF who remained STD free. and she wanted to get her hands on him.

so later on in the night my BF and the birthday boy are trying to have a personal conversation by the bathroom, when this chick just interupts them and lays herself across the countertop and sink in the bathroom. i mean, what the hell did she think she was doing? cause it sure as hell wasn't sexy. so i'm like, "may i use the bathroom?" and she goes, "sure, no ones using the toilet, go ahead." and i'm like, "no. see, i'm gonna need you to get out." and i said it with the straightest face possible.

so Emily staggers out the bathroom and down the hall, and i do my business in the bathroom. now, when i come out, she's no where to be seen, and my BF and the B-Day boy continue their conversation. so i feel its safe to join the rest of the party. but oh no, the drunky Slut wants to lay across countertops again. so there i am, again. suprise, suprise, muthafucka. and i let them know how random and weird it is that they're having a conversation in the bathroom with this chick tits up and drooling. and before i even say anything, the chick knows i want her off of the counter, and she does this stupid growl sound of what i guess was supposed to be her discust for me, but she damned well obeyed me without me having to speak.

and so my BF is saying that he's feeling a little sickly and we all leave to the rest of the party. well, at least i thought it was all of us. me and the B-Day boy joind the others, but the EmilySlut decided to lag behind. she kept fooling around in the kitchen and the other room close to the bathroom, probably thinking that my BFs plea for the bathroom was an invitation for her to stick around for a blow job. well sorry for ya Bitch, because after my BF stayed in the bathroom for a while, she realised the rejection and 'suddenly' grew very tired, and went to sleep in the B-Day boy's bed. I guess all that cock concentration wearied her little skanky head.

Too bad everyone was talking about how discusting she was. And too bad one of the guys she fondled confessed to everyone that she made him feel very uncomfortable. How she went close to him for a hug, then she started kissing his neck. and when he pulled away and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing, she replied, "oh, i like to be comfortable." Too bad she was making him UNcomfortable.

So yeah, I almost killed someone the other night.

She didnt know it, they didnt know it, my BF didnt know it, but it would have happend. And I would have been satisfied.

[note: Emily is this bitch's real name. And she lives in Connecticut]

...and then all must come to an end

2005-03-28T22:57:00.000-05:00

perhaps i'm an idiot, but rejection hurts.

it hurts like damn thorns in your stomach. like mocking demons ripping at your skin. like a virus exploding in your heart and incinerating you from the inside out. like so many insects swimming in your gut, biting and stinging.

it fucking sucks.

i just found out that hiphop has decided to mate with his own, and actually make a relationship of it. not sure if its serious, but i'm willing to bet that they've been together since my sense of him has hightened. and perhaps this is just what i need. it's all my fault anyway. how long did i think i could string him along...make him wait until i was done with whomever i was with? hmm? i'm getting just what i disearve because now i know how he felt when he found out i had a BF. too bad he doesnt know that i dont really love him. and too bad i havent admitted this to myself fully until now. i always try and keep on to that one thing that was good. but in actuality, seeing the whole picture, i know it wont work out. but for how long will i keep him strung? the day is getting closer, i can feel it. he can feel it. and one day it will present itself when he's not afraid to see it and say it to my face.

dont know if it will be brutal. dont know if it will be calm and respectful. dont know if i'll cry or do a cartwheel...dont know if he'll ask me to marry him in rebuttal. dont now if i'm not strong enough to not crush him in that moment.

too many questions to have so many answers...

[note: hiphop has been changed to protect their current existence]

one bizarre after another

2005-03-27T21:27:00.000-05:00

i wonder sometimes if the thoughts in my head are caused by others. empathy, i mean. or something like it. forenstance, if a person meditates on something enough, like say, you concentrate on basketball to become a better player. i mean actually practicing in your brain. making up scenarios, overcoming obsticles, that sort of thing. if thought about long and intently enough, you just may increase your game by at least 25%. so what i'm getting at is, if a person constantly dreams and thinks of winning a person over...or parhaps even just screwing their brains out constantly. could that effect the other person? i mean, could it possibly work as telepathy? a strong enough power to effect that other person? to make that person be the recieving end of the message? or maybe it wouldnt effect the other person if physical contact were never made.

i dont really know where i'm going with this, but the thought has always occoured to me that i could possibly have a person or thought on my mind only because that other person is thinking intently on me. i suppose i'll mention that i dreamed of hiphop again last night. an actual interactive dream, not one of those crappy observation dreams. and i wasnt even thinking about him yesterday. but out of the blue, i'm having a dream of him and life is peachy keen. and it was just bizarre.

my life just feels like one bizarre moment after another. full of confusion and questions, and answers i had years ago that changed...

and perhaps the most bizarre of them all has been an e-mail from a pal i've never met. one of those "friend survey" types of e-mails. and not the regular ones you see floating around, but one with questions like, "WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE?" and "IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS
WITH YOU?" prbably fucking not. i'd probably screw myself, then kill myslef (the other self).

but anyhoo, more bizarres another time.

[note: hiphop has been changed to protect their current existence]

2005-02-22T21:01:00.000-05:00

people suck...and i suck with them.

no one ever says whats on their mind, and i only give honesty to others.

why can't everyone just be out in the open and not worried about what what the other will think? i mean, i'm pretty blunt on my feelings and expect the same back. why dont i get them?

and why must relationships be so complicated?!?

one moment you want to be alone and hate the world. the next you're afraid and want anyone around to mistreat you.

i miss hiphop, and i feel i love my BF. I want hiphop and may take him at me relationships expense. it's been, maybe, 3 months since i've been feeling hiphop and constantly been thinking about him. and not just htink ing of memories i've had of him. but making up little stories and longing to fixate only on him. grabbing, weighing my strength on him, seducing him, completely taking him over. it's like i'd love to control him.

the other day i went to a friend's house with my BF and hung out at their house with other friends. One friend in particular, I had met him before, perhaps 2 years ago at a party, and never quite forgotten about him. and it hasn't been easy to get him out of my head. i mean, his lips ooze enchantment. i am completely under his spell without him even knowing it. He uttered one word and my pussy quivered. I felt helpless under his powers and had to excuse myself from several conversation with him. I hope he didnt think i was blowing him....though to actually "blow", i'm sure he wouldn't have had a problem.

...and the beat goes on...

[note: The name of hiphop has been changed to protect their current existence]

All dressed up and no where (that I know of) to go...

2004-12-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

So I've been super busy for the past few weeks and neglected to get any laundry done. So today, I'm looking rather bummy, but I don't care because I'm not dressed to impress anyone at the moment. But my BF on the other hand... You know how you have a certain set of clothes put asside for special occations? So my BF puts on his very nice suit slacks and dress shirt that I picked out for him. Now today is friday and he can never wait until then to wear his jeans to work. He can start as early as wednesday to wear his jeans, just so he can be comfortable. So when I ask him why he is wearing such a nice outfit, he tells me that since we havent done laundry in a while, he needed some slacks to wear for work...and the really nice suit slacks just so happened to be the only ones available. This sounds peculiar from a man that never dresses up outside of a fancy occation because he feels it is useless and a waste of good clothing. So then I say, "but it's friday. don't you wear jeans on friday? Heck, dont you start wearing jeans in the middle of the week?" "Yeah," he says, "But I just wanted to look nice today because I looked so bummy yesterday." Never in my whole life have I ever heard him speak concern of his appearance at work. It's work, you know. You dont care what you look like because the dress code isnt the usual clothes you wear anyway...so you just throw some casual business attire together and get the job done. But oh, not today. So he jokingly says, "I'm dressing up for my work girlfriend. You can't keep my balls in a jar forever." For those of you who dont know, my BF and I havent had sex in nearly a year and a half sue to my celibacy. Even though he made the joke, I knew he really meant it as truth. So I trudged to school this morning, with absolutely no sleep in 2 nights and a huge, degree waivering project looming over my head. And I've noticed that since my BF has been back from his week-long festival trips, he's been making quite a few jokes of the cheating matter. Quite a few more than usual. And this makes me nervous. I told kitty about it and she tells me to pay close attention to his phone calls. I would, only he's never home. He gets home when I'm getting ready for bed, and he leaves me in the morning now so that he can get to work earlier, supposedly.

I swear to god, if he's cheating he better come out with it so I can move on...

[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]

2004-11-25T01:30:00.000-05:00

okay.

so you all know the situation with me and my BF. and then somehow it becames better. he went away for nearly 3 weeks and came back a lesser-grumpy man. yeah me. so now the thoughts of leaving are tipping back into his favor, yet again. but then something suddenly happend. out of the clear blue sky, his sis brings home a man whom she is dating. a man who reminds me so much of a dear friend who died maybe 6 months ago and whom i regret not getting involved with (if he would have even let me). a man who picks up the slack that my man doesnt give a shit about. too bad what my man doesnt give a shit about is everything to me. money is not a problem. a home is not the problem. love isnt even the problem. but the love of art is, and that's exactly what he lacks. without art, i feel, there is no meaning to your life or anyone elses. communication is the art of speech. physical movement is the art of mechanical skills. and respect is a sort of considerate art. i get none of these with him, and all of them with "brown". brown came to me the other day and inquired on my art. I hadn't told brown, but BFs sis brought it up. then today we got into a mini convo about music. but not just any music. but MY music. the music that so many ignore because pop and hip hop have dominated the radiowaves. yes, techno. good-feeling, sweat-dripping, atmospheric, got you orgasmic shit. and it is this that i love. its not a surprise that BF and sis both picked ultra trendy/artistic people to pick up their slack.

she should have never brought him home. I'm starting to feel all the nostalgic bits that i never really got to live, but only tasted twice in my whole young life. I'm nearing a quarter of a century...i cant go out not doing and feeling what i need. and that is art/music. and that is brown.

hmm.

I wonder is brown will get tired of her...

[note: brown has been changed to protect their current existence]

addictions are sweet

2004-11-13T01:04:00.000-05:00

in the way

2004-10-26T15:49:00.000-04:00

it seems that everything is getting in the way of me writing this story. I just have so much planning for other projects that I am not allowed to focus anymore. Jesus, I hate this! I get started and it feels so strong, then other things come out of nowhere and block where I'm going. Like my creative atoms have been split into seperate paths. And believe it or not, I've become physically tired from churning out these ideas. It's about 3:15p and I am well over due for my nap!

::sigh::

Now I know what the magic books or telepathy books mean when they say using your "energy" can drain you of your strength. See there, and people here think I'm a lazy bastard because all I do is hole myself up in my room and sleep alot. But I'm also working! They don't understand the concept of 'creative work'. Just because it doesn't include running, jumping, mathmatics, socializing or financial stress, they assume I'm just fucking around. Well, guess what assholes...this is my work. I have projects that need completeing. And one day, my work will pay off, and you'll be puzzled as to how far I am ahead of you at half your age of accomplishing anything. And then I will say..."How's that for a lazy bastard, you stupid fuck?"

I went out with kitty today, window shopping, and forgot how wonderful it would be to have a place of my own. Well, I never really forgot, but I put it out of my mind because I know I can not afford it. So we went to this little flea market place in Times Square, and I remembered the dreams I've had of decorating my own space. I wish I would have immediately wanted to decorate the space of me and my boyfriend, but I did not think of him. Isn't that sad? I can not buy anything for us now, in this house, because there is no room, and my BF would chew me out on how I'm wasting precious money. Well no wonder he's a grouch all the time! He never spends anything without tracking it in his brain to where it could be used in a bill. I mean, the only time he does use money freely is when he's buying junk food out of failed self control. Now that's sad. And I know it's important to know where all your money is going and all, but he stresses out with it. He thinks he's losing his hair, and I didn't think so because it's hereditarily impossible. But when I think of situations that he stresses himself out with like this, I think it may be true.

When I first met him he seemed so stress free. Now that I'm actually livin gwith him, I see how he really is and it makes me stressed. I'm not a stressed person and I dont appreciate someone else rubbing that off on me. No, I don't like it one bit. He makes me feel like a bad person all the time. And he makes me feel stupid. He doesn't call me stupid to my face, but he says little things like, "you're so naive. and I swear I'm like a father to you." Like what the hell is tha tsupposed to mean?!? The other night he tells me, "I think I'm your uncle, or cousin, but not your boyfriend." Well if that's the case, I'm gonna go ahead and leave him alone so I can do some growing up... I swear if we move out together, I'm going to have zero toolerence for his bullshit.

[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]

Momentary Blockage:

2004-10-24T13:26:00.000-04:00

I've been writing that story for the past few weeks and it's been going well. Though I think that I've hit a momentary block after figuring out why the woman i the story is hte way she is. Also I've figured how she decided to break the "cold" silence between them. But of course it will have to stay cold on the surface...or something like that. I think I'll write how her and her boyfriend Richard's relationship is and how it came to be that. Perhaps even an inside look at Richard...

And that's all for right now. Perhaps I'll even post an expcert one of these days...

[note: po po, kitty, and orange have been changed to protect their current existence]

gather around...it's story time!

2004-10-18T11:56:00.000-04:00

For the past couple of weeks I've gotten in the mode of writing. I've also changed the method in which I've been writing in hopes of actually completing a full story. Usually I'll get an idea for a story from a single event that I have imagined up. Usually a small but very dramatic situation. And I'll write down the story, from the beginning with that idea in mind. But now I've started to write ideas (in Word) as expcerts, and just write other excerpts that came along on later days when I was inspired. Sometimes the expcert even flourishes into something extra or different that could work better for the story. I also began writing the characters' synopsis. So when I get the expcerts down, I can judge their reactions much better and figure out what they would do or think next. It's goign pretty well I might add. I think I have maybe 5 or 8 page written of expcerts (not sure which number it is). And I've got musical and art references to them. Perhaps I'll even have astrologial traits and a color/element to add to their personalities, you know to explain them more precicely.

I'm not sure what the story is about, btu I do know that I want a weird relationship going on between a woman and man that live in the same apartment building. They despise each other, but only becasue they have such passion for each other. Their emotions are confused and when they think they hate each other the most, it actually fuels that passion. Anyhow, the first expcert that came to mind was the woman sneaking into the guys apartment while he ws sleeping (via spare key under the door mat) and screwing his brains out. But NOT staying to talk about "feelings". She actually leaves him the very moment they finish their 'love making' without a word. And he can not understand what the heck she had done that for...because up until that point they hated each other. The next day, and all the days following, she's cold to him, belittles him, treats him like crap basically...but enters his room on random nights to express her feelings for him. They talk little about their lives with each other, and barely talk about everyday things like the weather and such. The only communicating they do is through sex, basically. I got this idea from Ayn Rand (suprise, suprise). It was inspired from Howard Roark and Dominique Francon's relationship. But only in my story they wouldn't let down that guard and get mushy with each other as Ayn Rand let Dominique get. And instead of Howard as the man being the cold one (typical of a man, but so unforgiving and "player" like), it's the woman who is absent of feeling and sets this as the mood for her and the guy in her apartment building. BUT (and there's always a big but), The chick has a boyfriend! But she's not being cruel to a nice man who is loving and greatful for her or anything. Her boyfriend is a cock-sucking son-of-a-bitch who cheats on her regularly. She knows about it and stays with him. Why? Because she's got this weird complex that allows her to want to punish herself (for some fucked up reason that is her mother's fault...well at least that's where I'm going with it now), and also because he's her financial crutch. He knows she doesn't love him and never had (they met on these terms) but he just needed someone to spite his father, so that the people in his social class could talk behind his back about his son and his "cherity girl". Anyhow, the story is a somewhat predictable love story, but I want it to be about something more, but I'm not sure just where it's heading yet. But I dont want something stupid and cheesy, you know?

We'll see where it goes...

sorry for the wait...

2004-10-15T14:06:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, I'm sorry it's been nearly a month since my last post. It' just that nothing much has been happening. No dramas really, nothing acceptionally exciting. Perhaps this is just a stand still until somethign more exciting happens. I'm used to my life being a stand still, and I miss it.

Had some weird dreams lately.

The night before last I kept dreaming that there were cockroaches all over the place, on the floor, chasing me and being agressive. Not the usual brown ones in your house, but the riddiculously huge black ones that hiss from madagascar or someother random place. Anyhow, I kept waking up and telling myself to stop dreaming about them. But as soon as I closed my eyes, here they come again, crawling on the floor. Being agressive. Then the night before that I dreamed my BF was some well known hunk of a guy. He looked like my boyfriend sometimes but was taller and more muscular than my BF. A lot more nicer as well. And he was some sort of mechanic or something, someone who liked to create with his hands. Anyhow, we kept trying to get it on under a boarkwarlk or picinic tables. And everytime I'd get into the mood and we'd start to kiss, someone would discover us and we'd have to play it off and move to another location. weird, eh? And I think we were trying for a baby. Very disturbing! But the dream I had last night was of he hanging out in a nicely lit hotel room or apartment or something. I came with my BF but he wasn't around. But I wasn't alone either. His friend Indy (who's a real person BTW) was there and we were just talking about everyday things. Then all of a sudden he kisses me. Not a peck, or a makeout, just a small single smooth. And I stop talking and think, okay that was weird. Then I keep on talking and he does it again, and then a third time. And by this third time I'm wondering why he keeps giving me these small teases and doesn't just make out with me. But he goes on talking about something we were having a conversation about, as if it was no big deal and only wanted to "try it". Nothing more. So I kinda woke up with a broken heart.

Jesus! I swear I'm way too vulnerable in my 'special' time of the month.

[note: Indy has been changed to protect their current existence]

I Long For Home...

2004-09-22T19:08:00.000-04:00

Walking down 67th street an inspiration from the breeze on my skin and setting horizon at me eyes:

Tonight is one of those night. One of those nights where it feels like home. Where is your home? Not a place...but a feeling. Not nostalgic, but the feeling most associated with your love of life. Tonight is one of those nights. My home is hanging out on a warm summer night with a hint of fall in the air. My home is friends huddled??????? in a car, driving with windows down and music an full blast. The cool music. The calm music. The only music that can complete this home. Home has smooth chords and soft beats; a lazy jazzy organ twidled????? to perfection. The melodies undulating warmth into my ears, my eyes, my mouth, my bones: Becoming inspirations of music, art, poetry and movements of dance. My home, my nature. Beginning at dusk and continuing past dawn...I long for home, again.

"I like my spine chilled...shaken, not stirred."

2004-09-20T08:39:00.000-04:00

This was a not I wrote to myself on the bus in NY. I couldnt get to a computer right away so I wanted to get it out before I had lost it:

9-17-04
9:57a

I saw Howard Roark today. Or at least what my mind has made him up to be. And he was beautiful. I was walking past the bus station, talking to a friend, and emerging from the doors at the top of the steps was a tall man about 6 foot (maybe more) with reddish hair hair, blue eyes, slim but slightly build. He wasnt looking in my direction. He looked to the left, to his right. To the corner of 42nd and 8th, His mouth was stern, a straigt line in a square jaw. And his eyebrows were scrunched slightly, not a frown, but a look of concentration. He wore blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt w/ a plaid flannet button down. He held a dark bag, a duffel I think, over one shoulder and his forearms looked strong under the rolled up sleeves. He was simply beautiful. He looked like he was on his way somewhere, (obviously) but his eyes were thinking. He didnt need to stop walking to think, to get overwhelmed by the city and its tall buildings and masses of crowds. He knew. He was sure. That was the certainty in which he moved. Someone who was not afraid. Not afraid of the rivers of cars, of its capitalism...if that's the right word. He was unfaulteringly beautiful! I wonder where he was going, where he was coming from, what he was going to do. Everything my friend was saying was blocked by his presence. I had forgotten altogether that she was there. She was nothing more than a muffled noise that faded into the background. I could feel no floor, I could see nothing but him...for that one instant. It was funny how I noticed him. Just walking along, I glanced to the doors from out of habit and I glanced him without noticing. As soon as I lost eye sight of him, by brain decoded the information and before I realized, I was taking a second glance...staring. Not voluntarily staring of course. Besides, I was only looking for less than half a second, literally. And can you believe that in that very moment I could have shat and vomitted at the same time? This rare occurence, this amazing coincidence. And what amazes me most is that a figment of my imagination lives and breathes as a real person! This could be dangerous, if I see him again. It would be amazing, but I fear I have blured the lines of fantasy and reality. How has this complete stranger become the greatest spectale of beauty I've ever seen? I'm sure he knows nothing of the games my mind plays, but I wonder who does? I mean, what other person would act like I do? Am I mad, crazy, insane??? Why would I long to meet a character of a book that is completely fictional??? It feels as though I'm setting myself up for disappointment! I feel soooooo stupid and embarassed reading this back to myself. One of these days I'm going to get myself into some real trouble confusing my thoughts with the truth. Anyway, I'm positive this guy doesn't have anywhere near the ideals that Ayn Rand gave to the character of Howard Roark. Roark...what a name. As far as I'm concerned, this guy is a psycho until proven innocent. JESUS! I haven't the time to be putting myself through this shit!

::sigh::

I remember in high school I still had imaginary friends. Not nany that I could physically see or actually had tea parties with or anything. But I remember doing things, like watching television in my room and pretending there was someone there watching wiht me, laughing as I laughed, feeling what I felt. I havent done that in a long while. Probably because I have a BF and all. Ya know, someone around me all the time. So I wouldn't really have time to let my mind wander like that. But I did it yesterday for the first time since...since 3 years ago. I know what it means now. It means that I'm lonely again. For the first time in nearly 3 years, I'm lonely.

.......................................

Had lunch with kitty today. We shared a pizza and went to an internet cafe. She's dating a guy who's getting married, or at lest wantes to get married to his GF. I'm not sure why. Perhaps out of obligation? Seems she has a make believe love as well...

[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]

new drug

2004-09-15T11:25:00.000-04:00

I went to Ayn Rand's philosophy website and I think that I've found my new obsession. Objecivism. I loved nothing more of her character, Howard Roark, than his ability to be unmoved by the things around him. Nothing budged him because he knew that nothing, in all of nature, could prevent him from doing what needed to be done. Growing up in america, we have been brainwashed early on to believe that if yo have no money or possessions you have nothing. Hmm...Objectivism:

ob·jec·tiv·ism (Pronunciation Key) (ob-jek-te-vi-zem) n.

1. Philosophy. One of several doctrines holding that all reality is objective and external to the mind and that knowledge is reliably based on observed objects and events.
2. An emphasis on objects rather than feelings or thoughts in literature or art.

This is a bit of what I read from Ayn Rand's site:

At a sales conference at Random House, preceding the publication of Atlas Shrugged, one of the book salesmen asked me whether I could present the essence of my philosophy while standing on one foot. I did as follows:

"1. Metaphysics: Objective Reality
2. Epistemology: Reason
3. Ethics: Self-interest
4. Politics: Capitalism

If you want this translated into simple language, it would read:

1. "Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed" or "Wishing won't make it so."
2. "You can't eat your cake and have it, too."
3. "Man is an end in himself."
4. "Give me liberty or give me death."

If you held these concepts with total consistency, as the base of your convictions, you would have a full philosophical system to guide the course of your life. But to hold them with total consistency—to understand, to define, to prove and to apply them—requires volumes of thought. Which is why philosophy cannot be discussed while standing on one foot—nor while standing on two feet on both sides of every fence. This last is the predominant philosophical position today, particularly in the field of politics.

My philosophy, Objectivism, holds that:

1. Reality exists as an objective absolute—facts are facts, independent of man's feelings, wishes, hopes or fears.
2. Reason (the faculty which identifies and integrates the material provided by man's senses) is man's only means of perceiving reality, his only source of knowledge, his only guide to action, and his basic means of survival.
3. Man—every man—is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.
4. The ideal political-economic system is laissez-faire capitalism. It is a system where men deal with one another, not as victims and executioners, nor as masters and slaves, but as traders, by free, voluntary exchange to mutual benefit. It is a system where no man may obtain any values from others by resorting to physical force, and no man may initiate the use of physical force against others. The government acts only as a policeman that protects man's rights; it uses physical force only in retaliation and only against those who initiate its use, such as criminals or foreign invaders. In a system of full capitalism, there should be (but, historically, has not yet been) a complete separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church."

Now, I was all for Ayn until she mentioned the seperation form state and church. This country was founded by protestants. It brings me back to the aricles of taking "in God we trust" off of the money as well as eliminating bible readin and prayers from the public schools. It seems thoguh that this is the right thing to do only because a public school is government property and so it currency. But, if we eliminate God from out government, it will be like saying "our country does not believe in God, only certain individuals". which is primarily true. but if God was removed, then on what morale will the government be run? Dont they know that the laws against stealing (theif), murder (homicide), adultry (incompetence), etc. etc. are all based on factors from the bible? Well, I guess our goverment is on its way out to being athiest anyway, with the brainwashing of product (i.e. "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." 1 Timothy 6:10).

Well, I guess that's that. But I'm still intetersted in learning about the philosophies of Objectivism. I need something to make me stronger, but I'm sure you've read your fill of that from my last post...

I'm supposed to be going out to lunch with kitty around 1pm today. I'm glad, I haven't seen her in a few weeks. I'll try not to be too excited when we meet.

[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]

Sorry It's Been Forever...

2004-09-14T08:27:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been forever but for the past few weeks or so I've been getting very deep into the Ayn and's book
Fountianhead. I admit that it was boring me to tears until I came into chapter 2 of Part 2 (or page 216 to be more exact). Then the book became increasingly interesting after that. I'm still in the middle somewhere but I can not imagine what else could happen. My feeble litle mind cannot perdict what whirlwind of psychology I will be swept into in the next pages coming...

But last night I had an apiphany about the red-haired architect Howard Raork; the unfearing man who laughs in the face of those who can control his wealth and his perception to others. But he remains rock solid (as his physique) in his assurance of himself and his art. Then I wonder to myself: What is it to be this man, this character of a man? To know nothing of fear, to remain calm and strong in the face of authority. Perhaps women have been conditioned to be the second, always. To be the one behind the man; to be the soft one, the quiet one, the delicate one. And I do not want to be delicate anymore. I see men walking down these streets of New York, straight backed, tall, head high and with a confident stride. I want that. They look as if they had control over evey aspect of their being. Though when the wealth is taken away from these men, I wonder how strong they will actually be. I want to know what it is to be a man in a woman's body. Not a woman denying her sexuality, but a woman without the fear and meekness of a woman. I know all women are not this way, and perhaps this is a way to actually see what's inside myself. But I want to be strong. I want to not have to care and not be afraid of men. It's more than a want, it's a need. I NEED THIS. I need to know that what I do is absolute and not second guessed. I have an occupation of the arts to give to the world. I can not be afraid that what I give is not correct. I want the assurance of Howard Roark. I want his hard body to be my soul. I want to be firm and confident and direct, you know? Unfaultering.

But how do I do this? Roark's character ws 22 when he left (or was expelled) from his school, studying architecture. He was dismissed because eh refuse to reproduce what he did not believe. He had an understanding of his work that no one could grasp. He was alone in his beliefs and everyone bashed him for it. And they were afraid of him. Afraid of what they could not understand. I want to have that comprehension. I need no one to be able to touch what I know because I will know only that which is my concept. And I will know theirs, and I will not be suprised when someone comes out of some other angle to break me. That's what I need. I am 22 now, I will say that I was one step ahead of Roark by leaving my university at 21, leaving behind 3 years of malice. Though I can not say al of that time was wasted. And I am here now in new york, learning a new trade, trying to cover all bases in my field. Roark didnt go back to school to waste more money. He dove right into his profession, with no fear. I suppose I'm afrad of not being abe to eat, or take a shower, or wonder where I'll sleep. But I cant anymore. I have to fight this thing. This beast called fear. I have to overcome and devour it, so that I can know the powers of the beast and defile it. Pick it apart. Expose it. Laugh at it and drink out of it's skull. I have to become the beast.

That Moment of Realization

2004-08-22T18:21:00.000-04:00

My BF and I had a long talk about where we want to go in life and how he can not be afraid to let me go out and do things on my own. He tells me, yet again, that he feels like my father instead of my BF...but this time it feels different. Now I see how he feels like my father, not because of how dependent I am of him, but of how possessional and controling he feels he needs to be over my life...because of that past situation which he had to 'rescue' me from. Which I could have told myself that a long time ago, and which I did, but I never really saw it materialize from him so pure than it had yesterday afternoon. So now he is finally realizing that he can not keep me like his only child, or perhaps like he must let me graduate high school and allow me to go away to college. Much like he is seeing the time is coming for our relationship to end. And I cried a little from this realization, and he might have broke a tear, but it doesnt hurt as much as I thought it would. He tells me, "no matter how much you want to deny it, we're really just a couple of good friends. We do things for each other and sacrifice some things in order for things to work out, but we're not GF and BF like we should be". And I know this is because of us not being able to have sex in a while (almost a year since september I've been celebate), but he denies that is the reason. But I know that is the reason and he just doesnt want me to feel that our relationship collapsed, or was neutralizing because of that. But I know so. And I knew it would happen. It was just a matter of time. I mean, from a man that tells me nearly everyday that my religion controls me because I do not act out on my human impulses and that sex is as natural as breathing, I predicted he'd supress, then crack, then deny, then finally come to terms and relaize what was happening with him. And I'm actually okay with it. As a matter of fact my time is coming around, and he fears that when I excel, he's out the door. Well, I do plan on moving out once I graduate and get a job of $30,000/year, but it's his choice to move out with me. I know how he feels that he must "make it" for his mom and the rest of his family, but he shouldn't have that burden. He fears leaving his childhood home because he'll feel that he's abandoning his mother. His father did the wrong thing and told my BF that he trusted him to "take care of his mother" or 'support the family' when he was gone. And those were his last dying words. There are 2 other men in this family. Why couldnt one of them been chosen? And why can't my BF take care of them while living somewhere else? Perhaps we're fustrated with each other because we need our own space? So not only is my BF struggling with his temp job AND trying to make it in the film and acting world, he's also super fustrated because he has been taught that sex should be the cure all and relies on that as his crutch. Perhps I've gone celebate to teach him a long and crutial lesson, that he is much better than that? Subconciously of course. And maybe that was wrong of me. But it seems that he's much too stubborn to realize this or afraid to take the risk. Whichever the case, breaking him is no easy task. And I'm just exhaughsted with everything...Apparently he is too.

Well, at least it was a good break...

He's still welcome when I make the move.

superchill trax

2004-08-19T15:36:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to some superchill techno tracks right now (kaito - inside river) by maurice fulton, represented by milk.audio, and the guy looks like a professional skater my brother used to idolize. And that memorie is making me miss my bro and all the cool times we used to have. He now lives in the state where everything's bigger, but when we were together, I used to chill at his place with his friends...just hanging out, drinking, playing chess, listening to someone spin (cause they were always practicing at his place) and just talking and dancing the whole night through. Then after everyone was smoked out and recovering, we'd all run over to Denny's or Baker's Square at 4am and discuss whatever philosophical idea that an elevated state of mind brings. It was really cool, and always entertaining. Especially for the patient, artistic types that we were.

I was close to making a cool friend like that here at work but he got kicked out for either attendence or lack of financial aid. Either way, I didnt get a chance to make him a contact in my roladex for future reference. Besides, it didnt seem he was very interestd in me at the time. Eventhough we shared the same interests in music, art, and politics (activism), it seemed that he was more interested in the "pretty girl". You know how guys do in high school when they dont know what they want and fall for a pretty girl because it gets them guy points. But only keep the cool girl that they can relate to on the side as an acquaintence. Yeah, well, news to you...we're not in high school anymore. This is the working world! I should have known though, we was mad young! I'm 23 and he just turned 19. I don't need that crap, no matter how hot, and sexy, and . Though I could have taught him a thing or two...you know, screwed his brains out. But then again, I dont need a dependent puppy who's whipped on my pussy. Perhaps I'll see him in the protests at the RNC in a week or so? Maybe even get arrested together....who knows?

Cuddle Party

2004-08-18T17:04:00.000-04:00

Right, so apparently there's this new show called Life & Style with Kimora Lee, the chick from E!, and a couple other people. I was chosen to comment on an issue of a new social craze called, "Cuddle Parties". Basically people pay $30 to hang with a group of total strangers, in their Pajamas, and cuddle for a few hours. As weird as this social event may seem, there are even rules and regulations! For enstence, dry humping is understandably out of order, but kissing is still alright? "Oh can I swab spit with you? But don't poke me wiith your woody." But anyhow, the "parties" were started by this guy who was a regular on a couple of soap operas. He says that is started when him and his massage therapist friend woul dhave "massage parties". Then his non-massaing friends wanted to get in on the fun, so they came up with the idea of "cuddle parties"... And that's all good and fun, but what if no one wants to cuddle with you, or your cuddle partner, whom you thought went in the other direction when the party was over, follows you home? What then? Will the soap opera host get sued? My comment on the show was basically telling the guy, " It's seems to me that you're profiting from other peoples desperations for human contact." Then he went on to explaining that 'everyone in the world needs to become more caring and open and not be afraid to touch one another' and yadda yadda yadda... Kimora was sitting next to me with the mic and asked me to comment. And she was nice and all, but it seemed she was in another world. Kinda on cloud 9 or something...just spacey. She was kinda unsociable as well. But I dunno, I kinda expected her to be a little more used to conversation. But she had the excuse that she was tired or whatever...I dunno. But she was pretty. Not georgeous. But pretty. She didnt really perk up unless the cameras were rolling or until she thanked me for my comment and for being on the show. I told her, "thank you for having me." and that would have been the end of it if I wouldnt have mentioned, "I'm glad to meet you." I tried to put on my cutest smile, and she said, "oh! nice to meet you too!" and stuck out her hand for us to shake. I guess its the simple things like that that make people happy?

But whatever. And from what I hear I was all up in the camera! But do you know what was better than that? The row of NY Firefighters who are in the 2005 calender. Beautiful! Let me tell you! There was one particular guy with a shaved head and the most georgous blue eyes I have ever seen! At one point between segments there was an empty seat in between kitty and me, and I told her to ask "blue eyes" to sit next to me. And he would have abliged, I mean, he stood up and evreything to move, but the producers told some other lady to sit there. Ah well, I guess we should have thought faster. :(

[note: kitty has been changed to protect their current existence]

terry cloth speaks!

2004-08-17T13:36:00.000-04:00

I sent "terry" an e-mail about a buyers show I attended a couple of weeks ago. Apparently I am supposed to be working for him for a couple of months (in a couple weeks) and I just wanted to give him a 'heads up' on what I knew about the field. So he sends me an e-mail back today simply saying, "Thanks for the report! when will I see you?" [pause for a beat]

Now I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I wrote him this whole review on the show, (perhaps 3 pages long, if in Microsoft Word) with visual examples and all, and all he can say is, "when will I see you?" THEN he sends me a second e-mail asking me to give him my contact info to update his address book, which is also understandable. But then he tells me to download a program to my computer so that we wouldn't have to keep going through the e-mailing process when keeping in contact with each other.

Now why would he want to suggest that? Perhaps because e-mails have timestamps and can be traced and all sorts of ideas swim in my head. But perhaps I'm just thinking too hard or too much?

The month of September will only tell...

[note: terry has been changed to protect their current existence]

The Other Side of the Fence

2004-08-14T16:38:00.000-04:00

My BF is a Capricorn III and this is what was said about him in general...

His ruling mode is "Sensations". And his strengths are "Professional", "surmounting" which basically means 'the ability to conquer' as in his partner :( , and "maintaining". His weaknesses are "unheeding", "outrageous", and "self-sacrificing". And he was born on The Week of Dominence. I can already see where this is going...

Here is what the book says about my BF and mine's relationship:

This relationship is imbued with contrasts -- its energy can shift from the known to the unknown, from the potential to the kenetic and , often, from the acceptable to the questionable. Harnessing such energy can make the relationship a powerful force for change in whatever social, family, or professional context it finds itself. The Capricorn III's tendency to dominate comes to the fore here, but only if Libra II's give their partners the chance to exercise it. Libra II's are quick on their feet, and their often radical stance can pose a real threat to more solid, sure and slower-thinking Capricorn III's. Yet the danger Capricorn III's face her is more subtuly subversive then powerfully confrontational, since Libra II's may be influential in eroding their more conservative position, thereby freeing them to act.

Libra II are likely to lead their Capricorn III partners through the labyrinths of love, introducing them to manyearthly delights and physical pleasures. In this respect, Capricorn III's usuallyprove to be eager, enthusiastic students. Marriages between these two can be suprisingly stable, but also very broad-minded.

Libra II and Capricorn III relatives can have violent arguments over political and social issues when their respactive radical and conservative viewpoints clash. Such a resistence to each other's ideas may continue for years, and will be viewed warily, but with some humor, by othe rfamily members. Libra II-Capricorn III friendships are less common than friendly rivalries or even serious enemies, since too often these individuals find themselves on different sides of the fence.

In the commercial sector, the Libra II=Capricorn III business partnership or co-worker matchup can be highly dynamic. But Capricorn III's may eventually resent having to shoulder the brunt of the hard work, since Libra II's are slippery customers when it comes to meeting fixed responsibilities and work quotas.

Key Advice: Equalize the work load. Present your views objectively, and respect the beliefs of others. Subversion can be positive but is a dangerous tool.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So basically it's saying that we are so very differnet and could maintain a great relationship only if he wasn't constantly trying to dominate and control all things that my free-spirited and everchanging personality was all about. In a better sense, we'd be cool if he wasnt trying to cage the bird all the time. So perhaps I need to give him a little talking to to mak esure this isnt what he's trying to do. Because, after all, he wont do this until I let him test it. Which I really dont want to do.

Interesting...

Now only if I could find out what week of Scorpio milky is...

[note: milky has been changed to protect their current existence]

The Week of Society

2004-08-14T14:56:00.000-04:00

Picked up a book from B&N that other day about relationships. It's called The Secret Language of Relationships. Rather good might I add...

The book places birthdays in seperate categories by weeks, so that there are 48 periods. Each week being ruler of something different in particular. For enstence, I am in The Week of Society. And generally since a Libra is ruled by the scales of fairness, I seek for rights and equality in the society and the world.

So basically it says that my modes are in Thought and Sensation. Which I guess means that I'm more inwordly with what I perciceve or the results of what comes out of me. It says my Strengths are that I'm "up-to-date" in ideas, "fair", and "insightful". My weaknesses are that I'm "Complacent", which means 'self-satisfied and unconcerned' about whatever, I'm also "Severe" in my criticism and "self-deceiving". Hmm, I guess I need someone to keep me on track, eh?

Libra II - The Week of Society:

The Libra II period takes Society as its central image. In human terms, this period can be compared to a time in one's middle life when a more meaningful relationship with Society, or an increase in time given to social entitles (political causes, clubs, religious organizations, study groups, neighborhood or community associations, etc.) often takes place. [this must be why I'm such a fan of the sixties civil rights and peace movments!] During this period, deepening one's social ties can be central to life, not only with the institutions mentioned, but also with lifelong friends and family members.

The days that comprise Libra II symbolically reveal certain aspects of middle age: taking the lead in defining social mores, making difficult judgments, acquiring objective wisdom about human psychology and learning to husband one's physical and financial resources.

The paradox about the born in this week is that although their social skills are highly developed, they may really be loners in nature. Their knowledge of current events, fashions, and matters concerning lifestyles is impressive, and family and freinds usually consult them as to the choice of materials or methods to get the job done in the most tasteful way possible. [guess that answers my question on why art and design are my strongpoints!] Constantly in demand, Libra II's often have difficulty finding time for themselves, and at some point must learn how to limit the time and energy they are prepared to give. [No wonder I love my alone time so much!]

Generally well liked as people, Libra II's are also highly saught after as confidants and councelors. They inspire trust in those who are meeting them for the first time. Their non-threatening approach makes other people quickly feel that they have nothing to fear from Libra II's, to whom they can open their hearts and unburden themselves. Indeed Libra II's rarely hurtfully or maliciously toward those who confide in them. Those who seek them out feel safe with them.

Although fair, just and agreeable in most situations, Libra II's can also be extremely sharp and critical. Because their insights are so often right on, their barbs can sting. Associates and employers who listen to them can probably learn something, but the fury of a Libra II attack often arouses too much negative emotions in the assaulted party to allow for clear listening. Only later will the truth of their criticisms begin to sink in.

Libra II children can be demanding of their parents, amd Libra II parents can be strict with their children. When young, those born in this week may be extremely rebellious or at the very least troublesome to those in authority. Libra II's are guided by a sense of fairness but also by an extreme antipathy to stupid, harmful, and needless regulations and laws. [Couldn't have said it better mayself] Too often young Libra II's may see the harm or waste being caused by a social or parental attitide yet feel helpless to do much about it. As they grow up, they may become crusades or reformers, but they can just as easily turn into quiet observers who watch and listen but only offer their opinion and judgments when asked to do so.

Emotional instability may be the single biggest problem that Libra II's face.[Dont I know it!!!] It can undermine their relationships, making them prone to jealously, irritation, possessiveness and all sorts of negative emotions that they could really do without. [Hmmmm....Could that be the reason I get so angry sometimes for things that I really have no control over???] Physical problems and even lifelong disabilities can result. [True that!] Involvment in some form of spiritual, religious, or physical training is often essential to Libra II's, to provide the stability and grounding that those born in this week require if they are to keep on an even keel. [And then there's that less time for myself thing...]

There is often a glaring discrepency between what Libra II's think they want and what they truely need. Those born in this week may blunt their own desires by not taking them seriously. This, through their own instances that they don't need something, they can stunt the development of their will. Any resulting confusion, unhappiness, or despair may serve them well, if they can take advantage of it. Through depression, they can get in touch with themselves at a deep level and, stripped of externals, will find out what their deepest needs really are.

An ever-present danger for these imaginative individuals is that they will come to live too much in a fantasy world in which all things are possible. Through complacency, and narcissistic enjoyment, [why does it have to be narcissistic?!] they can fail to take action. This lack of aggression may affect their profesisonal life. Worldly ambition can be very healthy for Libra II's, since it can spur them on to be more assertive, and to demand from the world what they really want. The problems here are that they are not always sure what their true wishes are, and they are too often satisfied with what they have and indecisive in charting out a realistic course of action.

Libra II's are highly valued by their friends, not least for their light and fun-loving manner. They are often good conversationalists, and even the most shy Libra II blossoms in activities invloving a small group of companions, such as parties, dinners or outings. Those born in this week are highly responsible in such roundings, and may be depended upon to make a contribution. Yet as aware and realistic as they are about other people, to the same or a greater degree they can be unrealistic about themselves. It may be an unfortunate trait of Libra II's to pull the wool over their oen eyes. [It's because I'm afraid!] Such as self-deception can lead to disasterous choices of partner, and also to professional blunders. Simply put: without a clear view of themselves, Libra II's can not make cogent personal choices, and are constantly landing themselves in trouble. Fortunately they are highly resiliant. Still they must not take their ability to snap back from injury or defeat for granted, or rely on it unduly.

During rock periods in their relationships, Libra II's tend to be more hurtful toward themselves than to the other person. [It's because I don't like to hurt people...] This is a sign of less masochistic tendencies than of low self-esteem, and of a habit of putting the needs and wants of a lover or friend before their own. [Too bad they never see that!] Their difficulty in expressing anger and agression leads them to blame themselves when things go wrong. [Very True!] They may consequently sink into a quiet depression, tumbling into a well of lonliness from which it may be extremely difficult for them to climb out. [Well, it's the safest and quietest way to go...]

And that's all about it for me...

Gone Thinkin'...

2004-08-13T23:32:00.000-04:00

Been thinking about that dream I had the other night. You know the one where the man grazes his lips on mine...that sweet breath... And I was thinking that we might not have actually touched lips, in the dream of course. And it got me to wondering if there was a reason for this. Perhaps he could only show me compassion, but I took it in another direction...straight to my loins...and he almost got caught up in it? Maybe by not touching me he was telling me that he is not for that, that perhaps he is to be there for me, and that he cares, but not in THAT way? How devistating! Now, dreams usually fortell your present or future life, so what could this be telling me about mine???

...I wish my brain would stop working already...

straight jealousy...

2004-08-12T16:04:00.000-04:00

Went to a music website that I frequent since it was recommended in the paper. I've been a dedicated member for almost half a year and absolutlly adore(!) the webmaster, "milky". (Havent had a dream about him yet...) So we've e-mailed back and fourth a couple of times for either a favor when I needed to get the word out to a lot of people, or for comment posting problems on his blog...either way, we've had a few of our own conversations uninterupted or un-spied upon. Then some "juicy" hooch starts hitting on him in the comments area and he starts hitting back saying, "I'd like to taste some deep fried juicy," and crap. that really pissed me off! I don't really know why...maybe perhaps 'cause he's hot and I demand all the attention. Well, not deliberately, just because it's common. So it's really not about him or juicy, I figure. It's a prolem with me. Because when I dont get the initial attention, I'm confused and that usually turns into humility, then suspision, then anger.

So what the hell is up with all my anger???

[note: juicy, and milky have been changed to protect their current existence]

And my heart was all aglow!

2004-08-11T17:08:00.000-04:00

It is true!

I had a dream that a man much taller than I iquired about me in my house. It was my home in Hawaii and my brother sat watching television on the couch. I was looking in the freezer for chocolate candies and he appeared from around the corner, very tall, a bit lanky, short, brown hair and a warm, shy smile. I asked, "what are you doing here?" as I leaned on the kitched counter, head tilted and smiling back. He answered with his eyes and came close to me. I could smell the clean on his shirt. His aura was warm as he bent down to graze my lips with his. My heart lept and he blushed as he backed away slightly. How fuzzy his image was...I could only feel his kindness. He did not speak but I could hear him in my thoughts. His voice was low and deep, kind of whispery. The effort was not in how he spoke but in what he spoke. And I'm still not sure what I heard, but his words caressed my soul and lapped up my pain. The sweet murmer of his breathing made my cheeks hot and quickened a little flame deep down within.

Was he the man of my dreams? Or just a man in my dreams? Hopefully, I will see him soon again...Maybe I can even give him a name next time.

...and then there was a storm.

2004-08-11T15:58:00.000-04:00

My BF came back from his trip and I was actually happy to see him. He insisted we go to the movies and left all of his things on the bedroom floor and bed. Which I wanted to clean up because I didnt want him yelling at me again.

But anyhow, everything was kinda okay. A little tense with him. But the next morning I offered to clean the mess when I got home from school and he told me not to touch it, so then I asked him to clean it up and he said he didnt want to clean it at that moment. So then I start to clean it, and he gets pissed! He yells at me to leave it because he wants to go through it. So I stop talking and I'm getting my lunch together and he asks, "what's wrong?" And I look at him like he's a madman and say "nothing". Then he gets this temper and is all like, "I hate it when you do that! Just tell me whats wrong with you!" And I look at him at tell him, "I'll tell you later." my teeth clenched. So we get in the car and he's driving me to my bus sto and we talk and I start crying because every other word out of his mouth is a curse. Now, I'm no a big fan of cursing, true it comes out in e-mails and blogs when I'm angry, but I never EVER curse at my BF, because I wouldn't want him cursing at me. But he starts cursing at me, he voice loud and abraisive, and I start to cry. And at that moment, he knew he was doing wrong. So after he was quiet for a good few minutes, he asks 'what's wrong' and I tell him all that I've been feeling; about how I wanted him to clean up his mess, btu how I'd be willing to clean the mess beause I didnt want him yelling a tme for the mess, and of how I felt the I was walkign on eggshells because I didnt want to be yelled at again, I wanted him to stay all smiles but he was making it very hard. And I also told him about how it felt for him to curse at me with all that emotion and anger behind it. I told him it weighed my soul down and hurt me in places no one could see, only feel. And I told him how relaxed and free I felt when he was on his trip out of town and how all the intensity and anger and cursing all at once caused me to break down...

Man I hate crying in front of people!

So he appologized for the first time this morning when he cursed. A friend told me to reward him for catching his curse. Like cook him dinner or somthing...It sound slike a great idea, hopefully it will work. Our spirits were high today and we actually smiled together. I just hope it will last...

Orange was absent from school friday and monday. Kitty was right, she did seem troubled. I wanted to talk to her about it, you know, to make sure she was alright. But Whan I asked, "are you okay?" she said, "yeah, I'm alright..." and in her voice I heard a bit of pain, maybe even sorrow. So I didnt pry any further. She was absent from our last hour class today only long enough to eat her lunch and grab her books as the class was letting out. Perhaps she had a breakdown and is burnt out from work and school AND relationships? I dunno. I just hope she gets better.

[note: kitty and orange have been changed to protect their current existence]

what did I say?

2004-08-08T13:40:00.000-04:00

I just got off the phone with my BFs sister. She was calling to see if the dog had been taken out by the brother. The first thing she says when I answer the phone is, "Were you sleeping?" It's 1:30 in the fucking afternoon! What kind of question is that? Fucking bitch. So I tell her, "I've been up for a while, it's the middle of the afternoon." But she starts talking to her mother righ tin the middle of my sentence. So then I say, "I don't know if the brother came over yet or not, but the dog is on the side of the house now. Should I let him out to pee?" And she says, "no, it's okay. my borther will be by there soon." Then she hangs up.

Yeah, well FUCK YOU! You Fucking PRICK!

and the animosity continues...

Evening to myself...

2004-08-08T12:14:00.000-04:00

So I finally got Yahoo! messanger installed onto my computer. po po had been begging me to get it so that we could talk as I looked at him through his webcam. Kinda wish I had one, not because I like people to look at me, but I feel it just would have been fair. But apparently, he's comfortable with the idea of me looking at him and him not having the same option. But then again, who wouldn't? He's got a great body! I mean, a body like a god! He works out so he's got very broad shoulders (due to his muscular physique) and a nice ass. Though I think his legs could get worked out a bit more. But nothing 'risque' happend during our conversation though. Not that I wanted it to, but he's a cool guy and I don't want to start out this friendnship on cyber or 'out of line' conversation, you know?

I know there is a cam around here somewhere, I just have to find it and get it loaded into the computer. But I didn't necessarily like just looking at him, because I found myself just staring, waiting for him to do something, instead of me talking, you know? So a one-sided visual is kind of a crutch. But besides all that business, apparently I'm playing match maker for po po because he hasn't been in a relationship for at least 9 months, and he says he's lonely. And since I'm in a relationship, I feel bad and might as well comply. Besides, he's a nice guy. He's worthy of a girlfriend now and doesn't diserve waiting on me to get out of mine, when I'm still not sure I'll be out anytime soon.

Soooo, that's the deal now. My BF called me and says the award party went well last night (saturday) but that he'll be staying there until monday morning. Why stay? Why not come home? I can't help but take it personal, you know? And I didn't tell you that he went skinny dipping in the ocean after some party either thursday or friday night! He calls me cracking up, "guess what I did, I went skinny dipping!" And it didn't even bother me until he tells me that it was with this other guy and 2 chicks who talked them into it. What the fuck? I'm supposed to be happy that you went skinny dipping after a night of drinking with a couple of girls?!? So I told him, "it's great that he's letting go of his tension and all, but that he'd be pissed if I would call him up and tell him that I went skinny dipping with a couple of guys after a night of drinking." He'd be downright outraged! He'd probably say something like, "this is how you respect me and our relationship?! And blah blah blah...!" I would never hear the end of it! And I'm sure he'd throw it in my face to the point of saying, "I pay for your school, you stay in my house rent free, I give you money for transportation, I pay your bills, and this is how you repay me??? By swimming naked with someother naked guy?!?" And then of course his family would take his side. And I'd be some selfish harlot bitch who is using my BF and his family...And his family, those mother fuckers! Anytime they have the chance to put me down, they do. They say things that they think I can't catch. Like the mother and daughter are going away for the weekend and their brother wont be there either, and they tell me, "the dog needs to be walked in the morning so I'll call my other son to walk him." And I say, "well since I'll be here, I'll walk him." And they laugh and say, "oh, but you can't take him, he'll drag you all over the place." They're basically saying that I can handle taking the dog for a poop walk because i'm too small and skinny. But the mother is like 5 foot and 130 pounds! I'm 5'5 and 115, what the hell?!? And this isnt the first time. They always make fun of how skinny I am, they say I'm not eating and that I'm starving myself and that I'm too lazy too feed myslef. WHAT BULLSHIT! They think that if I'm not eating every 2 hours, or if they dont see me eating that I'm not eating...those fuckers, I swear! they need to get off it! I wish they'd quit worrying about how I can eat and not gain weight, and quit obsessing over it. It's not my fault that they can't control their eating habits and that they eat like 5 full meals a day! DAMN! That's why they're all health finatics now, but I don't have to worry about all that. I tell you, I can tell them unitl I'm blue in the face that the reason I'm so thin is because we have different body types. But they refuse to listen to that and think I have an eating disorder. MY GOD! An apartment of my own is sooo what I need. And for the brother to come over every blue moon and call me lazy for taking a nap after school is just driving me up a tree! The joke is REALLY getting old, you know? They're all just driving me mad!

::takes deep breath, then exhales::

why cant someone just be happy with the way that I look for once? Or understand that I need a break after nearly 7 hours of hard work? But no, everone's got to be a critic in this house! I dont go out of my way to make fun of their weight, or tell them that they're Obsessive-Compulsive...Jesus!

But besides all that grief and havock...I fear orange isn't feeling up to par these days. She was looking a little depressed this week and didnt show up for her classes on friday. Kinda makes me worry, you know? kitty brought it up that orange wasnt acting like herself, "very quiet and reserved," she said. The day I went down to meet po po at the vintage shop, orange was telling me that her and her guy "cairo" aren't exactly on good terms. He's complaining that they arent spending enough time together, and that she's being selfish with her time, or whatever. But that happens when you're school work gets increasingly tougher and you also work through the whole night. orange tells me that sometimes, she doesn't get home until 2:30-3a in the morning! then has to be up by 8a to get to school at 10a. Where is the time for homework, I wonder? She get's out of class at 3p and usually has to get home to change, then get to work by 4:30-5p. cairo better chill out for a moment...maybe even help her out, you know? She wouldn't have to work so hard if cairo would devy up some cash. Cause, I mean, they've been together for nearly 3 years, you know? That should count for something... And the only reason she's working is to pay for school.

Ah well, there are too many problems for me to solve...My eyes hurt and I'm just becoming hungry. I'll catch you guys later, and thanx for listening...

[note: po po, kitty, orange, and cairo have been changed to protect their current existence]

On it again...

2004-08-02T14:52:00.000-04:00

So my BF isn't talking to me again...

It's understandable that he's in another state plugging his indy movie at festivals, but he could at least give me a 5 second ring while he's at lunch, right? I call him this morning when I get to school, because I havent talked to him in 2 days, and he complains that I woke him up! I called him at 7:30a (the time he's usually up on the weekends, he gets up at 5:30a on weekdays), and he's all, "you woke me up." Well so-rry! We dont speak for 2 days and all he can do is bicker? At least when he called me and woke me up when I was back home, I was like, "no, it's alright. I'm awake now." But he was all, "you woke me up." What an ASS!

::sigh::

I'm going to tell po po. He'll make me feel better.

[note: po po, has been changed to protect his current existence]

E. Village/So Ho

2004-07-31T11:24:00.000-04:00

So I went to the Vintage shop in the village and had a bunch of fun. It felt so good to hang with a friend and not have my BF go nutty because, a) He dominated the conversation, b) felt jealous and/or intimidated by my guy friend, or c) would call every 15 minutes because he's a nervous wreck that I'm hangin with a guy friend or to "make sure I was alright" (I know this is a ploy to find out whats going on). So it felt really good to hang with no holdups or irritations. I haven't had that in a while...That's why when kitty's folks leave for DR, I'll be over there hanging out. Just Chillin'.

Po Po was a complete gentleman. We went to an Italian place because we were absolutely STARVING! Plus everyother place we stopped at wouldn't open until 5:30pm. :( But it was cool. The food was super good, but the garlic was kinda raw and the acid was working overtime in my stomache. But it was still good. We went into Katherine Melandrino designer store and sharper image. We also went into Ferragamo and po po bought a really nice smelling cologne. Then we got lost! ahahahah! There were too many streets that looked alike! But it was cool, we found our way back to his car and he dropped me off at the train station. All and all I think we had fun, and he liked the picture of him that I drew. :D I have to call him tonight and getr his thoughts about yesterday's escapade.

On the way to the village, I rode with a friend on the train from school (it was on the way to her house). "Orange" was telling me that her relationship with her guy of 2 years had been weird for the past month or so. She said that he demanded more of her time and felt he wasn't getting enough attention from her. So she told him to 'relax' and he thought she was just thinking of herself all of the time. Wow. That's the same problem I'm having. And her guy is another jealous/insecure guy, but she doesn't live with him though. And she doesn't have my situation. So it's easier for her to just turn her back and start over. It's liek with me, I can leave once I get stability, but I fear I'll be labeled as an ungrateful bitch. But if it's not working out now, why the hell would I have him move out with me, just to have him packing a few weeks later? I dunno. We'll see how it works out. I also hope orange has her situation under control so that she can give me a few pointers...

adios amigos!

[note: po po, kitty, and orange have been changed to protect their current existence]

The List

2004-07-28T15:37:00.000-04:00

So I was thinking today...while I had some free time in between multi-tasking and having a queezy stomache, that I should make up a list of the pros and cons in my relationship with my BF.

Pro: staying rent free in his home while i go to school
Con: being a burden; no job, no money

Pro: free meals, even if they are pretty much the same 4 days out of the week
Con: the ability to get tired of it quick and forced to spend money or else yak

Pro: having a man means loving arms and a source of meeting new people
Con: lately he's been super crabby and doesn't like it when I mention hanging out with other people.

Pro: getting money from him for snacks, get bills paid, doing fun things together
Con: money on hold since summer started, bills are getting paid but now he's yalling at me at how i should get a job (it was his idea that he pay for my bills in the first place!), when's the last time we went out and not gotten into an argument?

Pro: gentle caresses while cuddling on the couch
Con: he pokes me, constantly...then when I get irritated he asks me what my problem is. So I say to him, "Why cant you touch me lovingly and nice for a change? We're not 4. You dont have to poke me and hit me to show me you're interested or want my attention!" And whateverthehell happend to verbal communication???

Pro: Having a best friend for the rest of your life
Con: Honey, I can't stand him for more than 5 minutes! When did this happen?!

Pro: He's there to take care of you and take you whereever you need to go
Con: He's works a lot, then blabs to me about the friend's he's made and how beautiful his co worker is. Then he gets home and is too tired to do anything that I want to do. Liek what I want to do isn't worth the time or effort

Pro: We're both Christians
Con: Somewhere down the line, after I moved in, he changed his story and decided to tell me that he doesn't completely believe in God or that the bible was written by God!

Con: He does no house work, but complains if I leave something undone. Can you believe he yelled at me because I asked him to get one load of clothes out of the dryer for me? He said, "You NEVER do all fo the laundry on your own! I ALWAYS have to finish the job!" Which is completely untrue! So when I showed him that I did the clothes, without his help a few days ago, he said, "It's about time you started to respect me." MUTHA FUCKA! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT???!!! But I left it alone or else I would have blew up and would have had been kicked out!

Con: He keeps pushing and pushing me and keeps taking his anger, for whatever happend in his day, out on me. I left home because of that shit. And I don't need to go through it again here.

Con: I dont even want to have sex with him anymore. In fact, I believe that's all he wanted from me in the first place; a person to relieve his stress on. For that and to be a 'trophy girl' amongst his friends. I remember when I was still living back home and he mentioned us going to stay at a beach house with his friends when I came to visit. He said to me, "You know what? You should wear that thong set you bought to the beach. Everyone would be so jealous!" I would have done it too, but the trip was canceled due to some reason I can't recall at the moment. I remember buying the thong set online just for his eyes to see, but I wanted to wow him. That is why I would have wore it on the beach...it wsa a stupid thought and I'm glad the trip was canceled. I would have regretted being so hooched out just to impress one person. But anyway, I stopped having sex with him because I felt that it was sinful and I felt guilty, and yadda yadda yadda. So I wanted to keep building the connection that I have with God. Now please tell me why my BF was like, "I dont understand why you're doing this. Just because you religion says so? You can't believe the bible because it was written a long time ago for those times and blah blah blah." Well, last time I checked, the 7 deadly sins AND the 10 commandments are still rules to live by. So why should I believe one thing and not the other if they are both in the bible? He says, "you shouldn't put your faith on a book that some guy wrote." And no matter how mcu I try to explain how the bible came to be, what the messages in the are worth, and why my faith is so strong, he rolls his eye and says I'm stupid for believing in something so outdated. Well I'm sorry, asshole, that being a christian isn't the current trend this year! And not that cursing is part of my religion...I'm just so FUMED! And cursing is something that I have to work on...not cursing out loud, but just the thought of so many curse words. It just brings me down.

Con: I think...no, I know I'm losing love for him. And when that's gone.......

But anyhow, that's my list...

Isn't it funny?

2004-07-27T13:34:00.000-04:00

Isn't it funny how I start paying less attention to my BF and more attention to po po and now he's being all nice and less crabby to me? Now it's making me feel guilty for planning on going out on friday!

I didnt meet po po for lunch today. He got tied up in errands and such. It's cool though, he's completely clear for friday. I just wish "kitty" could go with me. She was supposed to be with me today after her interview, and she still is, but she wont be able to meet po po. Oh well. It's cool though. Me and kitty haven't hung out in a while...

until next time...

perhaps friday...

[note: po po and kitty have been changed to protect their current existence]

So I took a test...

2004-07-25T23:16:00.000-04:00

And this is what it had to say:

"Your Psych-Ward diagnosis"

Antisocial Personality Disorder
Diagnosis: AntiSocial Personality Disorder, marked by the following: Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviours as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead, Irritability and aggressiveness, Reckless, Consistent irresponsibility, Lack or remorse, Indifference.

Hey, I have remorse...Lots of it! And I plan ahead!

Figures...

changing of the tides...

2004-07-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

It seems that when I get to that point where I need one little inch to push me off the edge to leaveing my BF, the tides change and we have a good day together. That good day could retrieve yards, even miles of forgiveness, for him. Only if this good would keep up.

I met a guy online about two months or so ago, and we've been keeping in contact by e-mails and jusy recently (nearly a week) by phone. My BF knows he calls but only knows him as my friend. Now my BF is a jealous guy and doesnt like me having friends of the opposite sex, let alone hanging out with the opposite sex without him around. Which is understandable since it's only been a year, a month, and eleven days since my rape at the hotel party. He's protective, I understand, but to a point to where I'm suffocating...hense the blog title. But naturally, I want out, because I can not be friends with whomever I want and chill when I want without him having to call me a million times during the outtings and jealous to the point where he thinks I may be cheating. So I 'm driven to it. He pushes me to the limits and he chains up my little heart. It came to the point where I was willing to interact upon a lesbian relationship with a girl I met just to be able to get out of the house without him giving me the third degree. Is that what I want to result to just to be free? Become a sexual orientation that I am not just to feel not so trapped?

So that's what brings me to my online friend, we'll call him "Po Po". Just as recently as yesterday night, I got into a sexual conversation with him. A full fledged 'what positions are best for you' and 'what pornos are your favorites' and even the possibilities of us hooking up if this thing with my BF and I aren't working out. It was a good conversation, though a dangerous one. I wouldn't have dont it if my BF would have been home. He told me he had a meeting with a buddy of his and that he'd be back soon. He left at 2 in the afternoon and didnt come back until I was in the bed at nearly 12:30am. What kind of meeting last 10 hours?! Supposedly they were working on a poster, went to kinko's and chilled out at a diner. How come he can go out with his friends and I cant? He gets pains in his chest when I go out...I get a guilt treatment. I want friends of my own! The only friends I have only exist online or while I'm at school. Well you know what? I'm going to the vintage store with my friend on friday and I'm inviting Po Po. I dont think I'll be driven to kiss him, but it's a large possibility. I need love, I need friends, I need FREEDOM!

[note: po po has been changed to protect his current existence]

First Post of it's kind...

2004-07-24T19:36:00.000-04:00

I should have started this post nearly 3 months ago, when I started having my problems...

BF and I had another episode yesterday when I became his emotional punching bag. Stuff happens to him in his business with his 'so-called' friends and he yells at me for stupid stuff like not making the bed one morning, or because I asked him to get a single load of clothes out of the dryer. I mean, I understand that he works until 4 and I am at school until 2, but I at least make an attempt to keep the place clean. He'll use a comb and not put it back. He'll get some mail and leave it on the computer desk. Then he gets mad at me for putting all of his papers and stuff in a pile! Well clean it the fuck up! And then he yells at me... I'm not a fucking maid, you know?

And why do I have to do all the laundry anyway??? He's got so many specific things he wants done to his clothing , like folding the shirts this way, or using this specific hanger to hang his pants, or buttoning his dress shirts that way...he should just do it himself! I guess since he pays the bills I am at dept. I can't get a regualr job because no one wants a person to work for them in the afternoon to evening, unless your a waitress. and since i dont have those skills, i'm a bus girl when one of them calls out sick. man, the movie theatre didnt even want me! so I'm stuck, working every once in a while. But things will change when I graduate in december. I'll get a SALERY job and be able to pay my own bills!...

I just wish I didnt feel so hopeless all the time...

And I think, my BF doesnt love me anymore.